Cuprins
You can love and be loved — and at the same time doubt whether we are good in this union. A family psychologist has named six signs of a healthy love relationship so that we can better understand ourselves and our partner.
“Love necessarily brings suffering”, “love is evil”, “romances usually end badly”, “love lives for three years” … Our culture is replete with ideas that associate love with suffering, and happiness with impermanence.
Astăzi, însă, psihologii nu se grăbesc să fie de acord cu acest lucru. În schimb, încearcă să-și dea seama ce ar trebui să fie o poveste de dragoste, astfel încât să nu ne distrugă, ci, dimpotrivă, să aducă bucurie și satisfacție.
Most experts agree that the foundation of a healthy relationship is emotional and physical security, trust, warmth, and mutual support. We have expanded this list to six points, which are commented on by family psychologist and emotionally focused couples therapist Rimma Maksimova.
Încercând aceste descrieri ale situației tale, vei înțelege cum ți se potrivește relația actuală și vei decide în ce direcție să mergi mai departe.
1. You feel safe
The partner respects your physical integrity. A sense of security is the foundation of a healthy attachment. In the company of a partner, you can throw off the mask with complete trust and show your vulnerability. You feel that you are not manipulated, you are not threatened, on the contrary, you are respected.
When you meet after separation, your main feeling is joy. And in general, among the feelings that color your life together, there is more joy and pleasure, although there are also anger, fear, disappointment. But you can share these feelings with your partner and they won’t push you away. Together, you can understand where these feelings come from and heal the wounds from them.
Dacă nu este
Perhaps your relationship can be called pathological: it is harmful to you, but you cannot stop it. The intensity of emotions often indicates too close a connection and masks the discord in a relationship that is mistakenly considered «passionate.»
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Know that a relationship that does not provide a sense of security will not provide it in the future. Try to identify the side benefit they bring to you. For example, the brightness of feelings and sexual experiences drowns out the feeling of inner emptiness. Try talking to your partner about things that are insecure about you. If he doesn’t hear you, don’t hesitate to enlist the help of a professional to see if your relationship has a future.
2. Nu vă este frică să nu fiți de acord
You can object to your partner, express a different point of view. You do not feel that you have to control yourself, that you need to weigh every word so as not to get anger, aggression or devaluation in response. You believe that you can negotiate and everyone will be accepted and heard. You know that close and warm relationships require mutual effort and openness, and this is not a frozen structure, but a system that requires constant nourishment.
Dacă nu este
Perhaps you have a dominant partner. He is not confident enough in himself, he is trying to raise his self-esteem at your expense and therefore does not tolerate any contradictions. Or your way of expressing disagreement hurts him, he becomes defensive, and it seems to you that you cannot speak freely about anything.
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Before you accuse your partner of tyranny, do some introspection. How do you express disagreement? Do you manage to talk about feelings, or do you also, defending yourself from feelings, attack your partner? Talk to him about how you need to be able to speak your mind to keep the relationship going. Perhaps this is not enough to defend their borders. Then you have to fight for yourself and your relationship.
3. You are not limited to the usual role.
Poți să arăți fiecare fațetă a personalității tale fără a-ți compromite dragostea. Această flexibilitate vorbește despre o relație sănătoasă. Nu ești limitat la un singur rol și nu-ți eticheta partenerul, știind cât de periculoasă este iluzia că l-ai învățat pe celălalt pe de rost. Te simți liber să-ți schimbi gusturile, părerile, obiceiurile și îi oferi celuilalt aceeași libertate. Vă puteți schimba împreună, redescoperindu-vă în mod constant unul pe celălalt.
Dacă nu este
By confining ourselves to one role, we lose access to the riches of our personality and slow down the development of relationships. Estimate How long trouble «life under the label» gives you. Think about the labels you put on your partner. These games are often played together.
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If you are out of breath, ask yourself what is comfortable and uncomfortable for you in this situation. Think about what bonuses your partner receives from the situation, how long ago and for what reason the label stuck to you. Why not emphasize with humor what is «out of the box» in your behavior?
Încearcă să vorbești cu partenerul tău: cum se simte când faci asta? Încearcă să-l auzi și să-ți împărtășești experiențele atunci când nu îți permite să-ți părăsești rolul obișnuit. Ai dreptul să-ți permiti lucruri noi, să te schimbi și să acționezi în conformitate cu dorințele și nevoile tale.
4. You are listened to and supported
When you express your opinion or feelings, you feel that the partner is with you, that he listens to you and tries to understand. Your feelings and experiences are important to him. You can ask for and receive attention and support. You do not need to beg for it, the partner responds to your requests, as you do to his.
This attitude is called «understanding the heart.» Even if the partner does not always understand what upsets you, he is upset that you are upset, and it is important for him that you share this with him. Your personal problems do not remain only yours, but become common.
Dacă nu este
Perhaps everything goes well in your relationship only when the «weather at home» is good. For some, this is fine: they do not know how to provide support, they are afraid to make a mistake and feel the anger of a partner, or they themselves are overwhelmed by feelings and try to swim out on their own. But if one of the partners does not provide the other with attention and support, this inevitably causes heartache. The second partner feels unimportant and unnecessary.
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To begin with, clearly articulate your needs, without expecting your partner to guess them. We think that the lover will read our thoughts, but this is a myth. Feel free to say that mutual support and attention for you are the basis of a relationship. You can also explain what kind of support you need: simple listening, encouragement, finding a solution, or something else.
If at this point your partner is unable to fully satisfy your need, look elsewhere for support (family, friends). Then be sure to return to the conversation about the importance of such assistance for you.
5. You are independent
Puteți comunica cu prietenii și familia, puteți planifica lucruri, vă puteți satisface nevoile pe cont propriu. Partenerul tău nu devine părinte sau cârjă. Știi că, pe măsură ce dependența crește, frica de a pierde relațiile crește, iar atunci nevoia de ele primează asupra dorinței. Totuși, independența nu are o valoare absolută: fiecare într-un cuplu este independent pentru a prețui mai mult apropierea. Cuplul trebuie să găsească un echilibru care să se potrivească tuturor.
Dacă nu este
Perhaps your addiction is a temporary phenomenon, or you are not aware of it. Perhaps you chose her out of convenience or out of fear of being alone. It can also be the result of a relationship in which you are suppressed to make it easier to subdue you. You need to evaluate the advantages and disadvantages of your position.
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Well measure all the risks that addiction exposes you to. It doesn’t matter if it’s a material addiction, financial or emotional. By asking yourself the questions: “What is this addiction depriving me of?”, “How would I live on my own?”, “Why can’t I talk to my partner about this?”, You can move on to change the relationship if necessary.
6. You develop
Relația ta este forța care te împinge înainte. Ele vă permit să vă dezvoltați și să vă redescoperiți. Atașamentul emoțional sănătos este interdependență și este în mod inerent vindecator, deoarece vă permite să rupeți ciclul de repetare a experiențelor dureroase și să vindecați unele dintre rănile din trecut. Simți că ești apreciat și acceptat fără a încerca să refaci.
Dacă nu este
You may be stuck in a negative relationship cycle or suffering from the fear of losing your value to someone you love. In any case, coercion, fear and suffering rob you of pleasure and the chance to be yourself calmly and freely.
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As soon as you start not feeling too good in a relationship—for example, often feeling angry or sad, losing your temper, becoming defensive, or annoyed—you need to ask yourself questions about the feelings that make you feel aggressive or helpless and about the nature of your attachment. This research is often easier to do with the help of a professional.
Este important să ne amintim aici că nimic nu este inevitabil în dragoste: suntem de acord cu ceea ce ni se întâmplă noi înșine, conștient sau inconștient.