Everyone has ideas about what an ideal partner should be. And we continually criticize the chosen one, trying to fit him to our standards. We feel like we are acting with the best of intentions. Clinical psychologist Todd Kashdan believes that such behavior only destroys relationships.
Oscar Wilde once said, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Scholars seem to agree with him. At least when it comes to romantic relationships. Moreover, our opinion about the partner and the way we look at relationships seriously affects how they will develop.
Psychologists from George Mason University in the United States decided to find out how the assessment of the merits of a partner affects relationships in the long term. They invited 159 heterosexual couples and divided them into two groups: the first were students, the second were adult couples. The study was led by clinical psychology professor Todd Kashdan.
Avantaje și dezavantaje
Participants were asked to pick their three strongest personality traits each and name the negative “side effects” of those traits. For example, you are delighted with the creative ideas of your husband, but his organizational skills leave much to be desired.
Then both groups answered questions about the degree of emotional closeness in a couple, sexual satisfaction, and assessed how happy they are in these relationships.
Those who value their partner’s strengths more are more satisfied with relationships and sex lives. They more often feel that the partner supports their desires and goals and helps their personal growth.
People who pay more attention to their partner’s shortcomings are less likely to feel supported by him
In addition, those who highly value the virtues of the other are more devoted, feel psychological closeness in a couple, and invest more energy in the overall well-being. Learning to appreciate your spouse’s strengths helps build a healthy relationship. Such partners value their own positive qualities more.
Another question is how the attitude of partners to the side aspects of the spouse’s virtues affects the well-being of the couple. After all, for example, it is difficult for a creative girl to maintain order in the room, and a kind and generous husband is constantly stranded.
It turned out that people who pay more attention to the shortcomings of a partner are less likely to feel support from him. The students who took part in the study admitted that they were not very happy with the relationship and the behavior of a partner who too rarely expresses love or criticizes them too often. Participants complained of a lack of emotional intimacy and low satisfaction with their sex life.
The power of opinion
Another conclusion of the researchers: the opinion of one partner about the relationship affects the judgment of the second. When the first appreciates the strengths of another more or worries less because of his shortcomings, the second more often notices the support of a loved one.
«Partners’ perceptions of each other shape their shared reality in relationships,» said study leader Todd Kashdan. “People change behavior depending on what is valued and recognized in a relationship and what is not. Two people in a romantic union create their own scenarios: how to behave, how not to behave, and what is ideal for a couple.
The ability to appreciate each other is the key to a good relationship. When we value our partner’s strengths, communicate them about it, and allow them to use these strengths, we help a loved one realize their potential. It helps us to become better and develop together. We believe that we can cope with the problems and changes in life.
About the Expert: Todd Kashdan is a clinical psychologist at George Mason University.