Do you know this: you were not too delicate and offended someone, and the memory of this event torments you years later? Blogger Tim Urban talks about this irrational feeling, for which he came up with a special name — «keyness».
One day my father told me a funny story from his childhood. She was related to his father, my grandfather, now deceased, the happiest and kindest man I have ever met.
One weekend, my grandfather brought home a box of a new board game. It was called Clue. Grandfather was very pleased with the purchase and invited my father and his sister (they were then 7 and 9 years old) to play. Everyone sat around the kitchen table, grandfather opened the box, read the instructions, explained the rules to the children, distributed the cards and prepared the playing field.
But before they could start, the doorbell rang: the neighborhood children called their father and his sister to play in the yard. Those, without hesitation, took off from their seats and ran to their friends.
These people themselves may not suffer. Nothing terrible happened to them, but for some reason I am painfully worried about them.
When they returned a few hours later, the game box had been put away in the closet. Then dad did not attach any importance to this story. But time passed, and now and then he remembered her, and each time he felt uneasy.
He imagined his grandfather left alone at the empty table, bewildered that the game had been canceled so suddenly. Maybe he sat for a while, and then he began to collect the cards in a box.
Why did my father suddenly tell me this story? She came to the fore in our conversation. I tried to explain to him that I really suffer, empathizing with people in certain situations. Moreover, these people themselves may not suffer at all. Nothing terrible happened to them, and for some reason I worry about them.
Father said: “I understand what you mean,” and remembered the story about the game. It stunned me. My grandfather was such a loving father, he was so inspired by the thought of this game, and the children disappointed him so much, preferring to communicate with his peers.
My grandfather was at the front during World War II. He must have lost comrades, perhaps killed. Most likely, he himself was wounded — now it will not be known. But the same picture haunts me: the grandfather is slowly putting the pieces of the game back into the box.
Are such stories rare? Twitter recently blew up a story about a man who invited his six grandchildren to visit. They hadn’t been together for a long time, and the old man was looking forward to them, he cooked 12 burgers himself … But only one granddaughter came to him.
The same story as with the game Clue. And the photo of this sad man with a hamburger in his hand is the most «key» picture imaginable.
I imagined how this sweetest old man goes to the supermarket, buys everything he needs for cooking, and his soul sings, because he is looking forward to meeting his grandchildren. How then he comes home and lovingly makes these hamburgers, adds spices to them, toasts the buns, trying to make everything perfect. He makes his own ice cream. And then everything goes wrong.
Imagine the end of this evening: how he wraps up eight uneaten hamburgers, puts them in the refrigerator … Every time he takes out one of them to warm up for himself, he will remember that he was rejected. Or maybe he will not clean them up, but immediately throw them in the trash can.
The only thing that helped me not to fall into despair when I read this story was that one of his granddaughters did come to her grandfather.
Understanding that this is irrational does not make it easier to experience «keyness»
Or another example. The 89-year-old woman, smartly dressed, went to the opening of her exhibition. And what? None of the relatives came. She collected the paintings and took them home, confessing that she felt stupid. Have you had to deal with this? It’s a damn key.
Filmmakers are exploiting the «key» in comedies with might and main — remember at least the old neighbor from the movie «Home Alone»: sweet, lonely, misunderstood. For those who make up these stories, «key» is just a cheap trick.
By the way, “keyness” is not necessarily associated with old people. About five years ago the following happened to me. Leaving the house, I ran into a courier. He hung around at the entrance with a pile of parcels, but could not get into the entrance — apparently, the addressee was not at home. Seeing that I was opening the door, he rushed to her, but did not have time, and she slammed shut in his face. He shouted after me: “Could you open the door for me so that I can bring the parcels to the entrance?”
My experiences in such cases exceed the scale of the drama, probably tens of thousands of times.
I was late, my mood was terrible, I had already gone ten paces. Throwing in response: «Sorry, I’m in a hurry,» he moved on, having managed to look at him out of the corner of his eye. He had the face of a very nice man, dejected by the fact that the world is ruthless to him today. Even now this picture stands before my eyes.
“Keyness” is actually a strange phenomenon. My grandfather most likely forgot about the incident with Clue within an hour. Courier after 5 minutes did not remember me. And I feel «key» even because of my dog, if he asks to play with him, and I have no time to push him away. My experiences in such cases exceed the scale of the drama, perhaps tens of thousands of times.
Understanding that this is irrational does not make the experience of “keyness” any easier. I am doomed to feel “key” all my life for a variety of reasons. The only consolation is a fresh headline in the news: “Sad grandfather is no longer sad: go to him for a picnic thousands of people».