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Of course, an effective apology is not only about choosing the right words and avoiding inappropriate phrases. It is important to understand the principle itself. Apologies that begin with phrases can be considered unsuccessful.

1. «Sorry, but…»

Most of all, a wounded person wants to hear a sincere apology from a pure heart. When you add «but», the whole effect disappears. Let’s talk about this little caveat.

«But» almost always implies excuses or even cancels the original message. What you say after the «but» may be perfectly fair, but it doesn’t matter. The “but” has already made your apology fake. By doing so, you are saying, “Given the general context of the situation, my behavior (rudeness, lateness, sarcasm) is perfectly understandable.”

An apology with a «but» may contain a hint of the interlocutor’s misbehavior. “I’m sorry I flared up,” one sister says to the other, “but I was very hurt that you did not contribute to the family holiday. I immediately remembered that as a child, all the housework fell on my shoulders, and your mother always allowed you to do nothing, because she did not want to swear with you. Excuse me for being rude, but someone had to tell you everything.

Agree, such an admission of guilt can hurt the interlocutor even more. And the words “someone had to tell you everything” generally sound like a frank accusation. If so, then this is an occasion for another conversation, for which you need to choose the right time and show tact. The best apologies are the shortest. No need to go into long explanations that can ruin the best intentions.

2. «I’m sorry you take it that way»

This is another example of a «pseudo-apology». “Okay, okay, sorry. I’m sorry you took the situation that way. I didn’t know it was so important to you.» Such an attempt to shift the blame onto someone else’s shoulders and relieve oneself of responsibility is much worse than the complete absence of an apology. These words can offend the interlocutor even more.

This type of evasion is quite common. «I’m sorry you were embarrassed when I corrected you at the party» is not an apology. The speaker does not take responsibility. He considers himself right — including because he apologized. But in reality, he only shifted the responsibility to the offended. What he actually said was, «I’m sorry you overreacted to my perfectly reasonable and fair remarks.» In such a situation, you should say: “Sorry that I corrected you at the party. I understand my mistake and will not repeat it in the future. It is worth apologizing for your actions, and not discussing the reaction of the interlocutor.

3. «I’m sorry if I hurt you»

The word «if» makes a person doubt his own reaction. Try not to say, «I’m sorry if I was insensitive» or «I’m sorry if my words seemed hurtful to you.» Almost every apology that begins with «I’m sorry if…» is not an apology. It is much better to say this: “My remark was offensive. I’m sorry. I showed insensitivity. It won’t happen again.»

In addition, the words «sorry if …» are often perceived as condescending: «I’m sorry if my remark seemed offensive to you.» Is this an apology or a hint at the vulnerability and sensitivity of the interlocutor? Such phrases can turn your «I’m sorry» into «I have nothing to apologize for.»

4. “Look what he did because of you!”

I will tell you one discouraging story that I will remember for the rest of my life, although it happened several decades ago. When my oldest son Matt was six, he played with his classmate Sean. At some point, Matt snatched a toy from Sean and categorically refused to return it. Sean started banging his head on the wooden floor.

Sean’s mother was nearby. She instantly reacted to what was happening, and quite actively. She didn’t ask her son to stop headbanging, and she didn’t tell Matt to return the toy. Instead, she gave my boy a stern reprimand. “Just look what you’ve done, Matt! she exclaimed, pointing at Sean. You made Sean bang his head on the floor. Apologize to him immediately!”

Matt was embarrassed and understandable. He was not told to apologize for taking away someone else’s toy. He should have apologized for Sean hitting his head on the floor. Matt needed to take responsibility not for his own behavior, but for the other child’s reaction. Matt returned the toy and left without apologizing. Then I told Matt that he should have apologized for taking the toy, but it wasn’t his fault that Sean hit his head on the floor.

If Matt had taken responsibility for Sean’s behavior, he would have done the wrong thing. He would have to answer for what he did not and could not do. It wouldn’t have been good for Sean either — he would never have learned to take responsibility for his own behavior and deal with his anger.

5. «Forgive me immediately!»

Another way to mess up an apology is to take your words as a guarantee that you will be immediately forgiven. It’s just about you and your need to ease your own conscience. An apology should not be taken as a bribe in exchange for which you must receive something from the offended person, namely, his forgiveness.

The words «do you forgive me?» or «please forgive me!» often pronounced when communicating with loved ones. In some situations, this is really appropriate. But if you have committed a serious offense, you should not count on immediate forgiveness, much less demand it. In such a situation, it is better to say: “I know that I have committed a serious offense, and you can be angry with me for a long time. If there is anything I can do to improve the situation, please let me know.”

When we sincerely apologize, we naturally expect our apology to lead to forgiveness and reconciliation. But the demand for forgiveness spoils the apology. An offended person feels pressure — and is offended even more. Forgiving someone else often takes time.

Source: H. Lerner “I’ll fix it. The subtle art of reconciliation” (Peter, 2019).