Many people realize that they grew up in families with unhealthy atmospheres and do not want their children to live such an experience. But they don’t have other examples, they don’t know the right role model. What to do in such a situation? Keep in mind the main principles of healthy relationships and build a family without deviating from them.
If you do not have an example of a good family, one whose model is worth striving for, then this harms your relationship and does not allow you to create and maintain a psychologically healthy climate in the family. The most unpleasant thing is that future generations are likely to create unhealthy families and raise children in a traumatic environment.
It’s time to break this circle. And for this you need to understand where to get the right family model and what is considered the norm and what is not. After all, parents, acquaintances, even heroes from films and fairy tales often broadcast precisely unhealthy behavior — they live in families where there is a place for codependency, manipulation and abuse.
Before starting a family, you need to learn how to build relationships with a partner. Of course, everyone decides for himself whether he needs a psychologically healthy relationship or not. But keep in mind that an unhealthy foundation can only give rise to a «disease», and nothing else — it’s like growing fruits in an infected area.
On what whales are built healthy relationships in our time?
1. Mutual feelings and sympathy
The attitude from the past that “it will endure and fall in love” will not help create resource relationships. Rather, everything will be the opposite — forces will be spent on maintaining such relations, and the result will be unsatisfactory.
2. Equal marriage
The emphasis on the patriarchal or matriarchal system of relations is no longer effective. The division of people by gender builds fences between people. For example, the phrases “Ai-yay-yay, you are a woman!” or “You are a man, so you must!” can turn partners against each other. Equality between men and women, mutual respect, refusal to go over to personalities — that’s what’s important.
3. Integrity of partners
Both before the start of a relationship, and in marriage, a person must remain self-sufficient. You should not dissolve in relationships and lose yourself as a person and an expert in your field. On the contrary, it is important to learn how to use the emotional upsurge from communicating with each other to develop yourself and your skills in any matters.
4. «No!» role confusion
Old patterns of behavior in families are no longer acceptable. Relationships in which a man plays the role of father or a woman plays the role of mother are harmful and ultimately lead to discord.
5. Family etiquette
Observance of other people’s personal boundaries and etiquette is necessary not only in the circle of strangers, colleagues and friends, but also in the family — however, most people forget about it. Of course, a completely different communication is accepted in the family, so the boundaries are narrowed, but they should still be respected.
6. «We are together because we want it»
Relationships are the joy of communicating with each other, and not the solution of one’s problems, the closure of injuries, needs and personal failures by a partner.
7. Mutual support and assistance
In any matters, it is important to be fans of each other — to support your partner and, if possible, help him move on. The absence of such emotions suggests that this relationship is likely to not last long.
8. No vested interests
A few can build a career like Bill Gates or Steve Jobs, but everyone has excellent prospects if they do their job, develop and expand their horizons.
9. Taboo on manipulation
Manipulative relationships are devoid of harmony. They lead to conflicts within the family and to abuse, and ultimately give nothing but pain and disappointment.
10. Refusing to be abused
In a healthy relationship, there is no place for self-assertion at the expense of others. Determine if you are a tyrant or a victim, and work through your behavior with a therapist.
Everyone can choose the model of their family — even one that does not meet all the «ideal» criteria. Be sure to find a partner with similar views. It is only important to make this choice consciously, honestly answering one question: “Do I really want to live this way?”