Cuprins
“When I was little, my two sisters, my brother and I, we had no interest in arguing. When our parents said no, it was no, and they instilled in us the values they held from their own parents! Result, we are well in our pumps, we have all succeeded in life and I am convinced that it is the right way to do things with children. My husband and I are cool, but we don’t give in for a yes or a no, and the children know very well that it is not them who make the law at home, but us! Parents of three children aged 2, 4 and 7, Mélanie and her husband Fabien agree with the current educational line which calls for a strong return to authority. This is confirmed by Armelle Le Bigot Macaux *, director of ABC +, an agency specializing in observing the behavior of families: “Parents are divided into two categories: those who agree to put their authority into practice, convinced that it is for the sake of their children (7 out of 10) and those, in the minority, who think it is necessary but who suffer from implementing it for fear of breaking the child’s personality, for fear of being rejected, or simply out of powerlessness. And whatever their educational style, we are witnessing a resurgence of punishments! “
Yes, the novelty of the 2010s is luaregeneral awareness that children need limits to build harmoniously and to become mature adults. Admittedly, the fear of being a father or a whipping mother has not disappeared, modern parents have integrated the educational precepts of the cult psychoanalyst Françoise Dolto. Impregnated with the idea that it is fundamental to listen to your offspring for their personal development, no one questions that children are full-fledged people who must be respected and who have rights … But also duties ! In particular, that of remaining in their child’s place and of obeying the adults responsible for their education. The 1990s and 2000s saw the proliferation of the warnings of shrinks, coaches, educators, teachers and other Super Nanny against the laxity of parents and the advent of almighty child-kings, tyrannical and limitless. Today, everyone agrees on the observation that permissive parents are not in their role and make their children unhappy by making them insecure. Everyone knows the dangers of an education based on seduction: “Be nice, make your mom happy, eat your broccoli!” “. Everyone understands that children are people, but not grown-ups! Armed with past experiences and mistakes, parents are again aware that their duty to educate involves the ability to say no, to endure conflicts when they frustrate the desires of their dear little ones, not to negotiate everything, to impose clear rules without feeling obliged to justify themselves.
Authority: no diktats, but constructive limits
The former child-king has now made way for the child partner. But as pointed out by Didier Pleux, doctor in psychology, inventing a new way to exercise authority is not easy : “Parents are very demanding, but they are in great confusion. They practice what I call downline authority. That is to say, they intervene, recall the law, scold and punish when the children have transgressed a lot of prohibitions. It’s too late and not very educational. They would be much more effective if they posed their authority upstream, without waiting for there to be transgression! But what is the secret of this natural authority that all parents seek? It is enough to accept that between the adult and the child, there is a hierarchy, that we are not equal, that the adult knows a lot more about life than the child, and that it is he, the adult, who educates the child and imposes rules and limits. And not the reverse ! Parents have a better sense of reality, they have common sense and they must draw on their experiences to guide their children. that’s why Didier Pleux advises parents in search of authority to regain legitimacy, to impose their values, their philosophy of life, their tastes, their family traditions… Do you like painting? Take your children to the museum to share your passion with them. You like classical music, make him listen to your favorite sonatas… You like football, take him to kick the ball with you. Contrary to what was claimed a few years ago, you risk neither crushing his personality nor shaping his tastes. It is up to him later to reject or continue to appreciate what you have transmitted to him.
Education, a mix of love and frustration
Upstream authority also means knowing how to mediate between the child’s pleasure principle and the reality principle. No, he is not the most beautiful, the strongest, the most brilliant, the most intelligent! No, he can’t get everything he wants and only do what he wants to do! Yes, it has strengths, but also weaknesses, which we will help it correct. The sense of effort, which had become an old-fashioned value, is once again popular. To play the piano, you have to practice every day, to get good grades at school, you have to work! Yes, there are constraints to which he will have to submit without discussing or negotiating. And that’s not going to please him, that’s for sure! One of the commonplaces that has led so many parents to fail is to expect the child to self-regulate. No child will spontaneously lend their most beautiful toys to others! No little one will thank his parents for rationing his screen consumption: “Thank you dad for removing my console and forcing me to go to bed early, you give me a rhythm of life and it’s good for my psychic development. ! ” Educating necessarily involves frustration, and who says frustration, says conflict. Kissing, loving, gratifying, complimenting, everyone knows how to do it, but say NO and force your child to follow the rules that are considered good for him, it’s much more complicated. As Didier Pleux underlines: “You have to establish in your family a“ family code ”with strict and unavoidable rules, in the same way that there is a highway code and a penal code that regulate society. “Once the code is established, imposing your natural authority requires a discourse and clear instructions:” I forbid you to behave like this, it doesn’t happen, I’m your mom, your dad, it’s me who decides , not you ! It’s like that, no need to insist, I won’t go back on my decision, if you don’t agree, you go to your room to calm down. “ The important thing is to never give up on the things that really matter to you, while developing your children’s own personality and uniqueness.. Of course, a well-established authority obliges to sanction if necessary, but, again, follow the model of the points license. Little stupidity, little sanction! Big stupidity, big sanction! Prevent the risks incurred if they disobey in advance, it is essential that they know what they are exposing themselves to. No spanking of course, because corporal punishment means physical violence and anger, certainly not authority. Being able to say without complex or guilt: “I think this is good for you!” », While remaining attentive and in dialogue, to find the balance between the singularity of his child and the reality of life, such is the mission of the parents of today. We can bet that they will succeed with flying colors!
* Author of “Which Parents Are You? Small glossary of parents today ”, ed. Marabout.
Which parents are you? The “Partners” study, conducted by the ABC agency, revealed five educational models that are quite different from each other. Which one is yours ? The protectors (39%Very vigilant and convinced of their mission, respect for authority is a fundamental pillar of their educational model, and they give a crucial place to the family. For these parents, we went too far with the children in anything, laxity, lack of framework, we must go back, go back to the past, to the good old values of yesteryear that have made their mark. evidence. They claim the old-fashioned tradition and education instilled in them by their parents. Neobobos (29%)The ones we used to call the “post-Dolto” have evolved slowly. They always leave an important place for dialogue between the generations, but they have realized the value of limits. Communicating, listening to the child and encouraging him to develop his personality is good, but you also have to know how to impose yourself and take action when necessary. If it exceeds the limits, it is not acceptable. Resolutely modern, neobobos are in tune with the times. The torn ones (20%)They feel vulnerable, full of disillusions, contradictions, and wonder. Their leitmotif: how difficult it is to raise children! Suddenly, they oscillate between the past model and modernity, exerting a checkered authority, variable according to their mood. They give in and are super-severe when they can’t take it anymore. They think the return of punishments is a good thing, but feel guilty and reluctantly apply the penalties. They would like to be taught how to do it. The tightrope walkers (7%They turn their backs on yesterday’s values and are looking for a new balance to adapt to today’s world. Their goal is to teach children to be combative in a world without mercy. They cultivate a sense of adaptation, a sense of responsibility, and opportunism. Empowering people (5%).They have the will displayed to make their child a quickly autonomous being, having all the assets to succeed in life! They treat their child like a little adult, push him to grow faster than nature, give him a lot of freedom, even small. They expect a lot from him, he has to go with the flow and there is no question of overprotecting him. |