I often hear from clients: «I had no choice but to yell at him back.» But reciprocal aggression and anger is a bad choice, says psychologist Aaron Carmine. How to learn to respond to aggression while maintaining dignity?
It’s hard not to take it to heart when someone says, «You’re like a pain in the ass.» What does it mean? Verbatim? Did we really cause someone to develop a painful splinter in this very spot? No, they are trying to insult us. Unfortunately, schools do not teach how to respond to this correctly. Perhaps the teacher advised us not to pay attention when we are called names. And what was good advice? Horrible!
It’s one thing to ignore someone’s rude or unfair remark. And it’s quite another thing to be a “rag”, allowing yourself to be insulted and belittled our value as a person.
On the other hand, we may not take these words personally, if we take into account that the offenders are simply pursuing their own goals. They want to intimidate us and try to demonstrate their dominance with an aggressive tone and provocative expressions. They want us to comply.
We may decide for ourselves to acknowledge their feelings, but not the content of their words. For example, say: “Terrible, isn’t it!” or «I don’t blame you for being angry.» So we do not agree with their «facts». We just make it clear that we heard their words.
We can say, “This is your point of view. I never thought about it in that way,” acknowledging that the person had made his point.
Let’s keep our version of the facts to ourselves. This will simply be discretion—in other words, it is up to us to decide how and when to share our own thoughts with others. Saying what we think will not help matters. The attacker doesn’t care anyway. So what to do?
How to respond to an insult
1. Agree: «You seem to be having a hard time getting along with me.» We do not agree with their statements, but only with the fact that they experience certain emotions. Emotions, like opinions, are by definition subjective and not always based on facts.
Or acknowledge their dissatisfaction: “It’s so unpleasant when this happens, isn’t it?” We do not have to explain at length and in detail why their criticisms and accusations are unfair in an attempt to gain forgiveness from them. We are not obliged to justify ourselves in the face of false accusations, they are not judges, and we are not accused. It’s not a crime and we don’t have to prove our innocence.
2. Say: «I see that you are angry.» This is not an admission of guilt. We only infer by observing the opponent’s words, tone of voice, and body language. We show understanding.
3. Tell the truth: “It annoys me when you yell at me just for saying what I feel.”
4. Recognize the right to be angry: “I understand that you are angry when this happens. I don’t blame you. I’d be angry too if that happened to me.» So we recognize the right of another person to experience emotions, despite the fact that he chose not the best means for expressing them.
Some more possible responses to a violent expression of emotions
“I never thought about it that way.
“Perhaps you are right about something.
“I don’t know how you bear it.
«Yeah, awful.»
Thanks for bringing this to my attention.
“I’m sure you’ll think of something.
It is important to watch your tone so that our words do not seem sarcastic, derogatory or provocative to the interlocutor. Have you ever gotten lost while traveling by car? You don’t know where you are or what to do. Stop and ask for directions? Turn around? Travel further? You are at a loss, you are worried and do not know exactly where to go. Use the same tone in this conversation — bewildered. You do not understand what is happening and why your interlocutor is throwing false accusations. Speak slowly, in a soft tone, but at the same time clearly and to the point.
By doing this, you do not “please”, you do not “suck up” and you do not “let you win”. You are cutting the ground from under the aggressor’s feet, depriving him of a victim. He will have to find another. So that’s great.
Despre autor: Aaron Carmine este psiholog clinician.