Those who suffer from chronic diseases are often forced to hide pain and problems behind a mask of well-being. It can serve as a protection against unwanted curiosity, or it can harm — it all depends on how exactly you wear it, says psychotherapist Kathy Veyrant.
Kathy Wyrant, a psychotherapist and social worker, lives in America, which means, like many compatriots, she is preparing for the celebration of Halloween. Houses are decorated, children are preparing costumes of superheroes, skeletons and ghosts. The begging for sweets is about to begin — trick-or-treat: on the evening of October 31, discharged companies knock on houses and, as a rule, receive sweets from the owners feigning fear. The holiday has become popular in Russia as well — however, we also have our own traditions of masquerade dressing up.
As she watches her little neighbors diligently try on different looks, Cathy turns to a serious subject, comparing the wearing of costumes to social masks. “Many people suffering from chronic diseases, both on weekdays and on holidays, wear their “well-being suit” without taking off.
His main attributes are make-up and a mask that hides the disease. Chronic patients can demonstrate with all their behavior that everything is in order, denying the hardships of the disease or silent about the pain, try not to lag behind those around them in spite of their condition and disabilities.
Sometimes such a suit is worn because it helps to stay afloat and to believe that everything is really in order. Sometimes — because a person is not ready to open up and share too personal information related to health. And sometimes — because the norms of society dictate so, and patients have no choice but to comply with them.
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“Many of my chronically ill clients are afraid to strain their friends and loved ones. They have a strong idea that they will lose relationships by showing up without a “suit of well-being” to other people, ”shares Katie Wierant.
Psychoanalyst Judith Alpert believes that the fear of death, illness and vulnerability is ingrained in Western culture: “We do our best to avoid reminders of human fragility and inevitable death. People with chronic diseases have to control themselves in order not to betray their condition in any way.
Sometimes the patient is forced to watch important people disappear from his life, because they are not ready to endure their own complex feelings that arise at the sight of his suffering. Deep disappointment brings the patient and an attempt to open up, in response to which he hears a request not to talk about his health problems. So life can teach a person that it is better not to remove the mask “I’m fine” at all.
«Do it, be great!»
Situations are inevitable when it is impossible to hide one’s condition, for example, when a person ends up in a hospital or obviously, noticeably for others, loses physical capabilities. It seems that then society no longer expects that the “well-being suit” will continue to hide the truth. However, the patient is expected to immediately put on the mask of the “heroic sufferer”.
The heroic sufferer never complains, endures hardships stoically, jokes when the pain is unbearable, and impresses those around him with a positive attitude. This image is strongly supported by society. According to Alpert, «the one who endures suffering with a smile is honored.»
The heroine of the book «Little Women» Beth is a vivid example of the image of the heroic sufferer. Possessing an angelic appearance and character, she humbly accepts illness and the inevitability of death, demonstrates courage and a sense of humor. There is no place for fear, bitterness, ugliness and physiology in these emasculated scenery. There is no place for being human. To actually be sick.
Constructed Image
It happens that people consciously make a choice — to look healthier than they really are. Perhaps, by depicting the rise of strength, they actually feel more cheerful. And you definitely shouldn’t open up and show your vulnerability and pain to those who may not take it carefully enough. The choice of how and what to show and tell always remains with the patient.
However, Kathy Veyrant reminds us how important it is to always remain conscious and be aware of the true motivation for your choice. Is the desire to hide the disease under the guise of a positive dictated by the desire to maintain privacy, or is it still fear of public rejection? Is there a great fear of being abandoned or rejected, showing one’s true state? Will condemnation appear in the eyes of loved ones, will they distance themselves if the patient runs out of strength to portray an ideally happy person?
The suit of well-being can have a negative effect on the mood of the one who wears it. Studies have revealed that if a person understands that others are ready to see him only cheerful, he begins to feel depressed.
How to wear a suit
“Every year I look forward to dressed-up girls and boys running to my door for sweets. They are so happy to play their part! Katie Wierant shares. A five-year-old superman almost believes he can fly. The seven-year-old movie star is ready to walk the red carpet. I join the game and pretend to believe their masks and images, admire the baby Hulk and shy away from the ghost in fright. We are voluntarily and consciously involved in the festive action, in which children play the roles they have chosen.”
If an adult says something like: “You are not a princess, you are just a girl from a neighboring house,” the baby will be endlessly upset. However, if the children insist that their roles are real and there is no little living boy under the skeleton costume, this will be truly frightening. Indeed, during this game, children sometimes take off their masks, as if reminding themselves: «I’m not a real monster, I’m just me!»
“Can people feel about the “welfare suit” the same way that children feel about their Halloween outfits?” asks Kathy Wierant. If worn from time to time, it helps to be stronger, fun and resilient. But if you merge with the image, those around you will no longer be able to see a living person behind him … And even he himself can forget what kind of real he is.
About the Expert: Cathy Willard Wyrant is a psychotherapist and social worker.