Cuprins
Blended family: stay in your adult place
Here you are faced with a child whom you do not know and with whom you will have to share your daily life. Not easy because it already has its history, its tastes and of course, the memories of family life which has just shattered. That he reacts at the beginning with rejection is in the order of things, put yourself in his shoes, he does not understand what is happening to him, his parents are separated, he is unhappy, he has gone through very hard trials for a little one and he sees his father’s new companion land in his life. Even if he is really annoying, even if he has fits, even if he tries to get you off your hinges, never forget the obvious: you are an adult, not him. You must therefore react with the distance imposed by your status and your maturity as an adult and especially not put yourself at the same level as him and make the mistake of treating him as an equal.
Take the time to discover your partner’s child
When you don’t know someone, the first essential rule is to take the time to get to know each other. Everything will be fine if you start by respecting this child. He is a person like you, with his habits, his beliefs. It is important not to try to question the little person he already is. Ask him questions about his story. A great way is to leaf through his photo albums with him. You share his intimacy and you allow him to talk about his happiness when he was little, with his two parents together. Above all, do not be offended that he wants to tell you about his mother, this woman is the ex of your companion, but she will remain the mother of this child for life. Respecting this child also means respecting his other parent. Imagine that a foreign person speaks badly to you about your mother, criticizes the way she raised you, you would be very angry …
Don’t get into a rivalry with your spouse’s child
At the beginning, we are full of good intentions. We tell ourselves that it will be easy to love this little one, since we love our father with whom we will live as a couple. The problem is that this child symbolizes a love story that has existed and of which it is the fruit. And even if her parents are separated, her existence will forever be a reminder of their past bond. The second problem is that when you love passionately, you want the other just for yourself! Suddenly, this little guy or this little good woman becomes an intruder who disturbs the tête-à-tête. Especially when he (she) is jealous and claims the exclusive attention and tenderness of his dad! Here again, it is essential to take a step back and stay calm because the more you show your annoyance, the more the rivalry will grow!
Don’t ask her to love you in the second
One of the pitfalls to avoid is to be in a hurry. You want to show your companion that you are an ideal “mother-in-law” and that you know how to deal with her child. It’s legitimate, but all relationships need time to flourish. Share moments together, as soon as you feel they are ready, without forcing them. Offer him interesting activities, walks, outings that will make him happy. Also make her discover what you like, your favorite songs, your job, your culture, your favorite hobbies… You will be able to gain her trust and become her friend.
Don’t blame him for the situation
You knew the situation, you knew that your companion had a child (or more) before settling down with him and that you would have to share their daily life. Living together is not easy, there are always conflicts, difficult moments in a couple. When you go through turbulent areas, don’t blame your child for your relationship problems. Distinguish between couple and family. Plan for outings and moments for two, to foster the romantic bond that every couple needs. When the child is with his other parent, for example, it simplifies things. And when the child lives with you, also accept that they can have some one-to-one moments with their father. For everything to go well, you have to consider the alternation between the times when you are the priority and the times when he is the priority. This subtle balance (often difficult to find) is the condition for the survival of the couple in the making.
Blended family: don’t overdo it
Let’s be frank, you are not the only one who has an ambivalent feeling towards your partner’s child. It’s an understandable reaction and a lot of times, to hide your feelings of rejection, you feel guilty and add it up in the “perfect mother-in-law” style. Do not fall for the fantasy of the ideal blended family, it does not exist. You are probably wondering how to intervene in the education of a child who is not yours? What is your place? How far can or should you invest? First, start by creating a relationship with this child based on mutual respect. Be yourself, be sincere, just as you are, that’s the only way to get there.
Educate him in accordance with his father
Once trust is established between you and the child, you can afford to intervene in the educational field, in agreement with the father of course. And without ever judging what the other parent instilled in him. When he is under your roof, calmly explain to him the rules that govern your house and that you have chosen with his father. Help him understand and apply them. If a conflict between you, let your companion take over. Raising a child who is not his is always difficult because we always believe that he has not received the education he needs, we always believe that we would have done better, otherwise … It doesn’t really matter, what matters is finding some harmony.
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