It used to be that life literally ends with the onset of retirement — a person ceased to be needed in society and, at best, devoted his life to children and grandchildren. However, now everything has changed. Old age opens up new horizons, says psychotherapist Varvara Sidorova.
We are now in an interesting time. People began to live longer, they feel better. The general well-being is higher, so there are more and more opportunities to save ourselves from unnecessary physical work, we have free time.
Attitudes towards age depend on the expectations that society seems to have. There is no biologically justified attitude towards oneself at any age. Today, many at 50 years old plan to live another 20, 30 years. And an unexpected period is formed in a person’s life, when it seems that all life tasks have already been completed, but there is still a lot of time.
I remember the times when people retired after working their dues (women at 55, men at 60) with the feeling that life was over or almost over. There is already such a quiet, calm, as it is officially called, the time of survival.
And I remember well that a man of 50 in my childhood was a very elderly creature with a belly, and not only because I was young. He is respectable, he reads a newspaper, he sits in the country or is engaged in some very sedate affairs. No one expected that a man at 50, for example, would run. It would look strange.
Even stranger was a woman in her 50s who decided to go in for sports or go dancing. The option that at 40 you can have children was not even considered. Moreover, I remember conversations about one friend: “What a shame, she gave birth at 42.”
There was such a social stereotype that the second half of life should be quiet, that a person should no longer have special desires. He lived his life well, as they say, and now he is in the wings of the active generation, helping with the housework. He has few ordinary peaceful pleasures, because an elderly person has little strength, few desires. He lives.
A modern man of fifty feels good, he has a lot of strength. Some have small children. And then the person is at a crossroads. There is something that was taught to grandfathers and great-grandfathers: live out. There is something that modern culture teaches now — be forever young.
And if you look at advertising, for example, you can see how old age is leaving the mass consciousness. There is no decent and beautiful image of old age in advertising. We all remember from fairy tales that there were cozy old women, wise old men. It’s all gone.
Only inside now there is a clue what to do, how to organize this new life yourself.
It can be seen how, under the pressure of changing circumstances, the classic image of old age is blurred. And the people who are now entering this age are walking on the virgin lands. Before them, no one had passed this amazing field. When there are forces, there are opportunities, there are practically no obligations, there are no social expectations. You find yourself in an open field, and for many it is quite scary.
When it’s scary, we try to find some support, tips for ourselves. The simplest thing is to take something ready-made: either what is already there, or pick up a model of young behavior that is actually inadequate, because the experience is different, the desires are different … And what is good to want and what is good to be able at this age, no one knows.
I had an interesting case. A 64-year-old woman came to me, who met school love, and after three years of dating, they decided to get married anyway. Quite unexpectedly, she was faced with the fact that many condemn her. Moreover, her friends literally told her: “It’s time for you to think about your soul, and you are going to get married.” And, it seems, she still sinned with bodily intimacy, which, from the point of view of her friends, did not climb into any gates.
She really broke through the wall, showing by her example that this is possible. This will be remembered by her children, her grandchildren, and then this example will somehow be built into the history of the family. It is from such examples that a change of views is now taking shape.
The only thing you can wish people at this age is to listen to yourself. Because only inside now there is a clue what to do, how to organize this new life yourself. There is no one to rely on: only you can tell yourself how to live.
The modern city dweller changes not only the way of life, but also the occupation. In my generation, for example, in the 1990s, many changed jobs. And at first it was difficult for everyone, and then everyone found the desired profession. And almost all of them differed from what they learned at the beginning.
I see that people in 50 begin to look for a new occupation for themselves. If they can’t do it in a profession, they will do it in a hobby.
Those who discover new activities for themselves do not even notice such a difficult time for many as retirement. I look with great interest and admiration at people who at this age find new solutions in the absence of social prompts and supports, I learn from them, I try to generalize their experience, and this moment of social change captures me very much.
Of course, you can endlessly be upset that they no longer take me in my specialty, I can no longer make a career. You still have to try something new. If you are not taken to where you want, find another place where you will be pleased, fun and interesting.
Where are you your own master — there may still be such a hint. Many people are afraid of the unknown, especially when they think about how others will react to it. But others react differently.
Someone about a 64-year-old woman who is trying to live actively says: «What a horror, what a nightmare.» Someone has a lot of people around who condemn. And someone, on the contrary, says about her: «What a fine fellow.» And here we can only advise one thing: look for like-minded people, look for those who will support you. There are many such people, you are not alone. That’s for sure.
Don’t try to look sexy and attractive. Don’t look for love, look for love
Also, look in the mirror and improve what you have, even if you remember being young. At first, of course, you can be scared when you look there, because instead of a 20-year-old beauty, a 60-year-old elderly lady is looking at you. But the more you make this lady not young, but beautiful, the more you will like her.
Look at women 10, 15, 20 years older than you. You can choose a model, you can understand what to rely on, what to move towards, how to decorate yourself so that it is not funny, but natural.
There is one more important thing: we often confuse, especially in recent times, sexual attractiveness and the ability to cause love. We do not always need to arouse sexual desire, it is enough just to like it.
Modern, especially magazine or television culture tells us to look sexy. But it’s strange to look sexy at 60, especially if you don’t want anything like that.
We all understand that at 60 a woman can be loved by different people. Not only men who are looking for a mate, a woman at 60 can be loved by other women, men who are not looking for a mate, but just an interesting, good person.
She can be loved by children, old people, and even cats and dogs. Don’t try to look sexy and attractive and don’t look for it. Don’t look for love, look for love. Will be simpler.