Vârsta incertitudinii: de ce este important să lăudăm adolescenții

During adolescence, teenagers face a self-esteem crisis. The world is rapidly becoming more complex, many questions arise, and not all of them have answers. New relationships with peers, hormonal storms, attempts to understand “what do I want from life?” — the space seems to be expanding, but there is not enough experience to master it.

Communication with parents naturally weakens, the teenager begins the transition to the world of adults. And here, with mature, successful men and women, everything turns out much better than he does. The self-esteem of the child is creeping down. What to do?

Prevention is the key to successful treatment

Coping with the crisis of puberty is easier if children are initially raised in a healthy environment for self-esteem. What does it mean? Needs are recognized, not ignored. Feelings are accepted, not discounted. In other words, the child sees: he is important, they listen to him.

Being a mindful parent is not the same as indulging a child. This means empathy and orientation in what is happening. The desire and ability of adults to see what is happening in the soul of a child is very important for his self-esteem.

The same goes for teenagers: when older people try to understand them, self-confidence grows stronger. Based on this principle, the book «Communication» was written. The author, an adult mentor, conducts a conversation with the children, explains and offers to perform exercises, tells stories from life. A trusting, albeit virtual, communication is being built.

I’m the one who can and I’m not afraid to try

The problem of low self-esteem is a lack of faith in yourself, in your ability to achieve something. If we allow the child to take the initiative, we affirm him in the thought: «I act and find a response in others.»

That is why it is so important to praise children: to meet the first steps with hugs, to admire the drawings, to rejoice even at small sports achievements and fives. So the confidence “I can, but it’s not scary to try” is laid in the child unconsciously, like a ready-made scheme.

If you see that a son or daughter is shy and self-doubting, remind them of their talents and triumphs. Afraid of speaking in public? And how great it was to read poetry at family holidays. Avoiding classmates at the new school? And on a summer vacation, he quickly made friends. This will expand the child’s self-awareness, strengthen his confidence that in fact he can do everything — he just forgot a little.

Too much hope

The worst thing that can happen to a teenager is the unjustified expectations of parents. Many mothers and fathers out of great love want their child to be the best. And they get very upset when something doesn’t work out.

And then the situation repeats itself again and again: shaky self-esteem does not allow to take a step (there is no setting “I can, but it’s not scary to try”), the parents are upset, the young man feels that he did not live up to expectations, self-esteem falls even lower.

But the fall can be stopped. Try not to make comments to the child for at least a couple of weeks. It is difficult, extremely difficult, but the result is worth it.

Focus on the good, don’t skimp on praise. Two weeks is enough for a fracture to occur, the position “I can” is formed in the child. But he really can, right?

In the ocean of possibilities

Youth is a period of active exploration of the world. The unknown is scary, “I can” is replaced by “can I?” and «what can I do». This is a very exciting time, and it is important that there is an adult mentor nearby, a person who will help you navigate.

Together with your child, look for interesting directions, let you try yourself in different areas, “tasting” professions. Offer tasks to earn money: type a text, be a courier. Self-esteem — the absence of fear of action, then teach a teenager to act.

Think of ten people you are interested in talking to. Maybe one of them will be an inspiration for your children? A cool doctor, a talented designer, a barista who brews excellent coffee.

Invite them over and let them talk about what they do. Someone will definitely be on the same wavelength with the child, something will hook him. And it’s great when an older friend appears in the family, a professional in the field that interests a teenager.

Take on a pencil

We collect the elephant in pieces, and the house in bricks. In the book, teenagers are offered the Wheel of Interests exercise. It can be a collage, a tree of goals — any convenient format for recording your own achievements.

It is important to refer to it every day, strengthening the habit of noticing small but significant steps on the way to what you want. The main task of the practice is to form the inner state of “I can” in the child.

For parents, this is another reason to get to know their children better. Take part in creating a collage. The center of the composition is the teenager himself. Together surround it with clippings, photographs, quotes that characterize the interests and aspirations of the child.

The process brings the family together and helps to figure out what hobbies the younger members have. Why is it so important? Self-esteem is built on hobbies and creative inclinations. Teach your child to celebrate achievements in selected areas every day.

The first time (5-6 weeks) do it together. “Found an interesting article”, “made a useful acquaintance” — a great example of everyday accomplishments. Household chores, study, self-development — pay attention to each section of the personal «map». The confidence that «I can» will be formed in the child physiologically.

From the peak of stupidity to the plateau of stability

This practice is based on the so-called Dunning-Kruger effect. What is the point? In short: «Mom, you don’t understand anything.» Discovering new aspects of life, drunk with knowledge, teenagers (and we all) think that they understand everything better than others. In fact, scientists call this period the “Peak of Stupidity.”

Faced with the first failure, a person experiences severe disappointment. Many quit what they started — offended, not ready for sudden difficulties. However, success awaits those who do not deviate from the path.

Moving on, understanding the chosen subject more and more, a person climbs the “slopes of Enlightenment” and reaches the “Plateau of Stability”. And there he is waiting for the joy of knowledge, and high self-esteem.

It is important to introduce the child to the Dunning-Kruger effect, visualize ups and downs on paper, and give examples from your own life. This will save teenage self-esteem from jumps and allow you to better cope with life’s difficulties.

intimidarea

Often the blows to self-esteem come from outside. Bullying is a common practice in middle and high school. Almost everyone is attacked, and they can “hurt a nerve” for the most unexpected reasons.

In the book, 6 chapters are devoted to how to deal with bullies: how to position yourself among peers, respond to harsh words and answer yourself.

Why are guys with low self-esteem a «tidbit» for hooligans? They react sharply to resentment: they are clamped or, on the contrary, they are aggressive. This is what offenders are counting on. In the book, we refer to the attacks as «distorting mirrors.» No matter how you are reflected in them: with a huge nose, ears like an elephant, thick, low, flat — all this is a distortion, a distorted mirror that has nothing to do with reality.

A strong inner core, confidence — “everything is fine with me” allows the child to ignore the aggressors or respond to them with humor.

We also advise you to represent bullies in stupid situations. Remember, in Harry Potter, the scary professor was depicted in a woman’s dress and a grandmother’s hat? It is impossible to get angry at such a person — you can only laugh.

Self-esteem and communication

Suppose there is a contradiction: at home, a teenager hears that he is doing well, but there is no such confirmation among peers. Who to believe?

Expand the social groups in which the child is located. Let him look for companies of interest, go to events, concerts, and engage in circles. Classmates should not be his only environment. The world is huge and everyone has a place in it.

Develop your child’s communication skills: they are directly related to self-esteem. Anyone who knows how to defend his opinion, find a common language with other people, cannot doubt his own abilities. He jokes and talks, he is respected, he is liked.

And vice versa — the more confident a teenager is, the easier it is for him to talk and make new acquaintances.

Parents should support their children. Parental love is the core of a healthy personality. But it turns out that love alone is not enough. Without a well-developed self-esteem in a teenager, without an internal state of “I can”, self-confidence, a full-fledged process of development, knowledge, mastering professional skills is impossible.

Doubting himself, the child hides from reality: closes, goes into games, fantasies, virtual space. It is important to be interested in the needs and needs of children, to respond to their initiatives, to take care of the atmosphere in the family.

Together create a collage of goals, celebrate daily achievements, warn of possible difficulties and disappointments. As the Norwegian psychologist Gyru Eijestad rightly noted: “Children’s consciousness matures and blossoms only with the support of an adult.”