Love plays a huge role in our life. And each of us dreams of finding our ideal. But does perfect love exist? Psychologist Robert Sternberg believes that yes and that it consists of three components: intimacy, passion, attachment. With his theory, he explains how to achieve an ideal relationship.
Science tries to explain the origin of love by chemical reactions in the brain. On the website of the American anthropologist Helen Fisher (helenfisher.com), you can get acquainted with the results of research on romantic love from the standpoint of biochemistry, physiology, neuroscience and evolutionary theory. So, it is known that falling in love reduces the level of serotonin, which leads to a feeling of «love yearning», and increases the level of cortisol (stress hormone), which makes us constantly feel anxious and excited.
But where does the confidence come from in us that the feeling we experience is love? This is still unknown to scientists.
Three whales
“Love plays such a huge role in our lives that not studying it is like not noticing the obvious,” emphasizes Robert Sternberg, a psychologist from Yale University (USA).
He himself came to grips with the study of love relationships and, based on his research, created a triangular (three-component) theory of love. Robert Sternberg’s theory describes how we love and how others love us. The psychologist identifies three main components of love: intimacy, passion and affection.
Intimacy means mutual understanding, passion is generated by physical attraction, and attachment arises from the desire to make the relationship long-term.
If you evaluate your love in terms of these criteria, you will be able to understand what is preventing your relationship from developing. To achieve perfect love, it is important not only to feel, but also to act. You can say that you are experiencing passion, but how does it manifest itself? “I have a friend whose wife is sick. He constantly talks about How long he loves her, but almost never happens with her, says Robert Sternberg. “You have to prove your love, not just talk about it.
Faceți cunoștință
“We often do not understand how we really love, says Robert Sternberg. He asked couples to tell about themselves — and in most cases found a discrepancy between the story and reality. “Many insisted, for example, that they strive for intimacy, but in their relationship they showed completely different priorities. To improve relationships, you must first understand them.
Often partners have incongruous types of love, and they don’t even know about it. The reason is that when we meet for the first time, we usually pay attention to what brings us together, and not to differences. Later, the couple has problems that are extremely difficult to resolve, despite the strengths of the relationship.
“When I was younger, I was looking for a stormy relationship,” says 38-year-old Anastasia. But everything changed when I met my future husband. We talked a lot about our plans, about what we both expected from life and from each other. Love has become a reality for me, not a romantic fantasy.»
If we can love with both head and heart, we are more likely to have a relationship that will last. When we clearly understand what components our love consists of, this gives us the opportunity to understand what connects us with another person, and to make this connection stronger and deeper.
Do, don’t talk
Partners should regularly discuss their relationship in order to quickly identify problems. Let’s say once a month to discuss important issues. This gives partners the opportunity to get closer, to make the relationship more viable. “Couples who have such meetings regularly have almost no problems, as they quickly resolve all difficulties. They learned to love with their heads and hearts.»
When 42-year-old Oleg and 37-year-old Karina met, their relationship was filled with passion. They experienced a strong physical attraction to each other and therefore considered themselves kindred spirits. The fact that they see the continuation of the relationship in different ways came as a surprise to them. They went on vacation to the islands, where Oleg proposed to Karina. She took him as the highest manifestation of love — it was what she dreamed of. But for Oleg it was just a romantic gesture. “He did not consider marriage a manifestation of true affection, now Karina is well aware of this. — When we returned home, the question of the marriage ceremony did not come up. Oleg just acted on the spur of the moment.”
Oleg and Karina tried to sort out their differences with the help of a family therapist. “This is not at all what you want to do when you are engaged,” says Karina. “But on the day of our wedding, we knew that we had carefully considered every word we said. Our relationship is still full of passion. And now I know it’s for a long time.»