Cuprins
Any article about relationships will emphasize the importance of open communication in the first place. But what if your words do more harm than good?
Words may not be as harmless as they seem. A lot of things said in the heat of the moment can damage relationships. Here are three phrases that are most dangerous:
1. “You forever…” or “You never…”
A phrase that kills effective communication. Nothing is more capable of pissing off a partner than generalizations of this kind. In the heat of a quarrel, it is very easy to throw something like that without thinking, and the partner will hear something else: “You are of no use. You always let me down.» Even when it comes to some little things like washing dishes.
Perhaps you are unhappy and want to show it to your partner, but he or she perceives this as a criticism of his or her personality, and this is painful. The partner immediately stops listening to what you want to tell him, and begins to aggressively defend himself. Such criticism will only alienate the person you love and will not help you achieve what you need.
What to say instead?
“I feel X when you do/don’t do Y. How can we solve this issue?”, “I really appreciate it when you do “Y”. It’s worth starting a sentence not with “you”, but with “I” or “me”. Thus, instead of blaming your partner, you invite him to a dialogue that is designed to resolve contradictions.
2. «I don’t care», «I don’t care»
Relationships are based on the fact that partners are not indifferent to each other, why destroy them with such ill-conceived phrases? By saying them in any context (“I don’t care what we have for dinner,” “I don’t care if the kids fight,” “I don’t care where we go tonight”), you show your partner that you don’t care about living together.
Psychologist John Gottman believes that the main sign of a long-term relationship is a kind attitude towards each other, even in small things, in particular, an interest in what the partner wants to say. If he wants you to give him (her) attention, and you make it clear that you are not interested, this is destructive.
What to say instead?
It doesn’t matter what you say, the main thing is to show that you are interested in listening.
3. «Yes, it doesn’t matter»
Such words imply that you reject everything your partner has to say. They sound passive-aggressive, as if you want to hint that you do not like his (her) behavior or tone, but at the same time avoid an open conversation.
What to say instead?
“I would really like to hear your opinion about X. «I’m having trouble here, can you help?» Then say thank you. Unsurprisingly, partners who regularly thank each other feel more valued and supported, which makes it easier to get through periods of tension in a relationship.
Everyone has moments when a partner causes irritation. It may seem that it is worth being honest and expressing dissatisfaction openly. But such honesty is counterproductive. Ask yourself: “Is this really a big problem, or is it a small thing that everyone will soon forget about?” If you are sure that the problem is serious, calmly discuss it with your partner in a constructive manner, while criticizing only the actions of the partner, and not himself, and do not throw accusations.
Advice doesn’t mean you have to watch every word you say, but sensitivity and caution can go a long way in a relationship. Try to show love more often, not forgetting words like thank you or “love you”.
Sursa: Huffington Post