Cuprins
I have always been independent and self-sufficient. In childhood rather by necessity, in adulthood by choice. At the age of 6, I cooked breakfast for myself before school, did my homework on my own from the 1st grade. In general, an ordinary childhood for parents who themselves grew up in difficult wartime. In the end, cheers! I am independent, and as the other side of the coin, I do not know how to ask for help. Moreover, if they offer to help me, I refuse under various pretexts. Therefore, with great internal resistance, I took the Help exercise at a distance to work.
At first, I forgot to ask for help. I came to my senses after the following situation: I was riding in an elevator with a neighbor, he asked me which floor I was on, intending to press the button for the floor I needed. I thanked him and pressed myself. After my act, the man had a very strange expression on his face. When I entered the apartment, it dawned on me — a neighbor offered to help me, and in his understanding it was a good form rule, for example, let a woman go ahead or offer her a chair. And I feminist refused. It was then that I thought about it and decided to seriously take the Help exercise to work.
I began to ask for help at home from my husband, in the store, on the streets, from friends and acquaintances. Most surprisingly, my existence became more pleasant: my husband cleaned the bathroom if I asked, brewed coffee at my request, fulfilled other requests. I was pleased, I sincerely and warmly thanked my husband. It turned out that the fulfillment of my request for my husband is a reason to take care of me, to express his love for me. And caring is the main love language of a husband. Our relationship has become warmer and better as a result. Addressing a passerby with a smile and a clear statement of a request causes a desire to help, and people are happy to show the way or how to find this or that house. When I traveled around the cities of Europe or the USA, people not only explained how to get to the place, but sometimes they actually brought me to the right address by the hand. Almost everyone responds to requests with a positive reaction, and helps. If a person cannot help, it is only because he really cannot.
I realized that it is possible and necessary to ask for help. I got rid of embarrassment, I will forgive help confidently, with a kind smile. Gone pitying facial expression at the request. All of the above are just small bonuses to the help I received from others ☺
In the process of working on the exercise, I developed for myself some principles:
1. Make a request out loud.
“To do this, we must first of all figure out what is needed, what kind of help is needed. It can be useful to sit down and calmly think about what I need, what I want to ask.
It often happens that people ask, “How can I help?” and I mumble something unintelligible in response. As a result, they don’t help.
— Directly ask for help, instead of throwing manipulatives (especially with loved ones).
For example: “dear, please clean the bathroom, it’s hard for me to do it physically, so I’m turning to you, you’re strong with me!” instead of «Oh, our bathroom is so dirty!» and expressively look at her husband, blowing a burning red line across her forehead, “Finally clean this damned bathtub! . And then also offended that my husband does not understand and cannot read my thoughts.
2. Ask under the right circumstances and from the right person.
For example, I will not ask you to move furniture or take out the garbage of a husband who has just come from work, hungry and tired. In the morning I will ask my husband to grab a garbage bag, and on Saturday morning I will ask him to move the furniture.
Or I am sewing a dress for myself, and I need to align the bottom (mark an equal distance from the floor on the hem). It is very difficult to do it qualitatively on my own, because while trying on the dress I am wearing it, and the slightest tilt immediately distorts the picture. I’ll ask a friend to help, not my husband.
Obviously, under critical circumstances, for example, if I am drowning in the sea, I will call for help from anyone who is nearby. And if circumstances allow, I will choose the right moment and the right person.
3. I am ready for the fact that I will not be helped in the format that I expect.
Very often we refuse help because «if you want it done well, do it yourself!». The more clearly I express my request, in what and how exactly I need help, the higher the chances of getting what I want. Therefore, it is especially important to clearly state your request. And I take it easy if my relatives did it their own way (hello to the “Calm presence” exercise). If my relatives fulfilled my request in their own way, I remember Oscar Wilde’s phrase “Don’t shoot the pianist, he plays as best he can” which, according to him, he saw in one of the saloons of the American Wild West. And I immediately want to hug them. They tried so hard!
By the way, I don’t ask my husband to help align the bottom on a sewn dress, because I already asked once and had, in the end, to turn to a friend for help. And that first and only time, she thanked her husband and kissed with the words “You are so wonderful!”
4. Ready for failure.
Many are afraid of rejection. They refused not because I was not good, but because the person did not have the opportunity. In other circumstances, he would definitely help me. And it’s good if they refuse right away, otherwise you’ll waste time persuading, and then it turns out that they won’t help anyway or they will do it in such a way that you don’t need it for nothing. And in case of refusal, you can immediately find another.
5. Sincerely grateful for the help.
With a warm smile, regardless of the amount of help, I express my gratitude for the help. Even if they say “Come on, this is nonsense! why else do you need friends / me / husband (underline as appropriate)? Thanks anyway, don’t take the help for granted. After all, a person did something for me, spent time, effort, some other resources. This is worthy of appreciation and gratitude.