«Do I really love this person?» — a question, to look for an answer outside it seems rather strange. And yet, due to the prescription of years or due to the complexity of relationships, we are not always able to determine what exactly we feel for a partner. Psychologist Alexander Shakhov offers a simple but effective way to help you figure it out.
Often, during consultations, clients ask me: “Do I love my husband? How can I understand this? I answer: «No, you don’t.» Why? The one who loves knows. Feels. He who doubts does not love. In any case, it cannot be called true love.
How to determine if there is love between you? Someone will say: how many people — so many opinions, everyone has their own love. I would venture to disagree and give a curious and practical definition of love, coined by psychologist Robert Sternberg. His formula for love looks like this:
Love = Trust + Intimacy + Interest
Trust means that you feel safe with this person. He cares about you and behaves responsibly.
Intimacy is not only physical contact (hugs, sex), but also emotional openness. Being close means not hiding your emotions, expressing them freely and being sure that they will be accepted and shared.
Interest is a passion for the inner world of another person. You admire his intelligence or talent, his outlook on life or cheerfulness. You are interested in talking and being silent, learning new things together or just lying on the couch. The person and his world, his hobbies are important to you.
Do you want to find out how you feel for your partner, whether your love is strong and, accordingly, the relationship?
Rate each of the three terms of the love formula on a 10-point scale, where 0 is no and 10 is complete realization.
You are interested in a person, his thoughts, life, feelings. Are you happy when you talk to him or just keep quiet
- You feel close to a person in complete emotional and physical security, you fully believe in his responsibility to you, that he will fulfill his obligations and promises.
- You can easily share your emotions, positive and negative, you are sure that a person will listen to you, accept, sympathize, understand, support. You have pleasant sensations from physical intimacy, bodily contact gives you joy and pleasure.
- You are interested in a person, his thoughts, life, feelings. You are happy when you talk to him or just keep quiet. You are interested in making joint plans for the future, remembering past joint experiences.
All indicators must be summed up.
26-30 points: Your feeling of love is deep. Are you happy. Try to keep all terms at the current level.
21-25 points: you are quite satisfied, and yet something is missing. You may be patiently waiting for your partner to provide what you need or actively trying to get something from him, but it is important to understand that you yourself need to change in order to deepen the relationship.
15-20 points: you are somewhat disappointed, dissatisfied with the relationship, experiencing a little resentment or irritation, you have complaints about your partner. You ponder whether your marriage was a mistake, whether there was love between you, whether to start a relationship on the side. Your union is under threat, action is needed to save it. First of all, it is important to understand yourself — how did it happen that your relationship became like this.
10-14 points: the relationship is on the verge of a break. You often quarrel, blame each other, do not trust, possibly cheat. The situation is critical and requires an immediate response, we need a pause in relationships, family therapy and individual work with a psychologist.
0-9 points: you do not love, but rather suffer. A serious revision of your worldview is required, psychotherapeutic assistance is first restorative, and then educational. The relationship between you and your partner is neurotic, addictive. Lack of immediate assistance is fraught with serious psychosomatic illnesses.