Sexualitatea: de ce este important să vorbești despre asta cu copilul tău

If there is a question that is not always easy to address as a parent, with his child, it is undoubtedly that of sexuality. Fear of not talking about it properly, of not being legitimate for it, of inciting him, uncomfortable with these intimate questions …

There are many reasons for not daring to talk about sex with your child. But it would be better to work on oneself to overcome them, because the parent has a role to play in the emotional and sexual education of the child, he is complementary to “experts”, which will usually take place at school.

Note that we speak here voluntarily ofemotional and sexual education, because this one involves a lot of things, like modesty, self-esteem, respect for others, consent, sexuality, body image, emotions, romantic relationships, married life, etc. Here are some good reasons, in detail, for a parent to discuss all of these topics with their child.

Psychosexual development: at what age does the child ask questions?

Why this, what is this, what does this mean … There is an age, usually between 2 and 4 years old, when the child begins to ask questions. And the field of sexuality and intimacy is not spared! From “why don’t girls have a penis?” la ”what is it to be homosexual?” Passing by “when i grow up will i have breasts?”, Children’s questions about sexuality often surprise parents, worried to see them wondering so young about this kind of thing.

And this desire to know, this unexpected curiosity, often continues until middle school or even high school, especially if the child who has become a teenager has not received the answers to his questions.

Better to try toanswer it, with words appropriate to the child’s age, rather than leaving him alone with his questions which he will end up judging “shameful” and taboo, since no one deigns to answer him.

This intimate and sexual curiosity is legitimate, and is not necessarily opposed to respect or modesty. We can be curious and respectful, curious and modest, underlines Maëlle Challan Belval, marriage counselor and author of the book “Dare to talk about it! Knowing how to talk about love and sexuality with your children”, Published by Interéditions.

Sexual curiosity: Because school is not always up to par

As a parent who is uncomfortable with these questions, we can be tempted to reassure ourselves by telling ourselves that school will eventually tackle the subject of sexuality, and that it will undoubtedly do it better than ourselves. .

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. If the school does have a role to play in the emotional and sexual education of the child, it does not always play it as well as one might think. Lack of time, qualified and voluntary staff to tackle these themes, or even the reluctance of some teachers, can be an obstacle.

In fact, sexuality education has been the subject of a law in France since 2001. But this one often limited to questions of biology and anatomy, pregnancy, contraception and sexually transmitted infections (STI), HIV / AIDS in the lead. And it finally arrives quite late in the child’s life.

Result: If this is the only source of information for a preteen, these lessons in sexuality are likely to do it. associate sex with something dirty, dangerous, “risky”. In addition, it is often difficult for a young teenager to ask intimate questions in front of all his classmates for fear of being teased.

How to talk to children about sexuality: we must name to make exist, question and protect

Little flower, zezette, kitty, kiki, pussy … If this vocabulary “drăguţ”Can, in the family circle, be used to designate the female sex, it is nevertheless essential to name things as they are.

Because naming not only makes it possible to distinguish (by differentiating the anatomical parts, rather than putting buttocks and vulvae in the same basket), but also to make exist.

A young girl who has never heard the real word for her sex risks not using any word at all rather than resolving to the word child that she used until then, or worse, to use the words. vulgar words from the college vocabulary, not always very respectful (“pussy” in particular). Ditto for a boy, who also deserves to know that the penis is in fact a penis, and not a “cock”.

Moreover, the fact of naming things also allows the child to be understood, to question adults about certain practices, certain intimate concerns or certain abusive attitudes.

Maëlle Challan Belval thus relates the sad case of a girl who did not know what an erection was in boys, and who then confessed, upon learning it, that it was what she felt when she sat on the bus driver’s lap. The case obviously did not stop there and the latter had to answer for his actions, while the child was protected.

It is thus crucial toinform the child several times on the same subject to match the child’s age, what he is able to understand and what he should know given his age. Information given to a child about sexuality must therefore be updated, enhanced, enriched as the child grows, much like buying new clothes for him or her.

Learning about sexuality in children: they already know certain things, but poorly

Television, internet access and pornography, books, comics, playgrounds… Sexuality can enter a child’s life in many ways. As a result, children are often exposed earlier than parents realize, who may tend to see them as “innocent beings ”.

By discovering the extent of his child’s knowledge, we can tell ourselves that he already knows a lot, probably too much, and that therefore, we do not need to add more.

Unfortunately, as Maëlle Challan Belval points out, to be exposed does not mean to be informed, or at least bine informat. "Children don’t know because we thought they knew”, Summarizes the specialist in her book on the subject. Less than leave their child a teaching aid worthy of the name, and then talk about it with him if he wishes, the many media that he is likely to come across will not all have a realistic, respectful, complete and non-guilty vision of sexuality. “The pornographic varnish, which discourages parents or educators, is often a hide-and-seek”, Deplores Maëlle Challan Belval, who invites parents not to be discouraged in informing.

How to explain sex to children: enlightenment without prompting

As a parent, you may fear that talking about sexuality with your child will encourage them to take action, ”gives ideas".

According to an American study from June 2019 published in the “JAMA”And having followed nearly 12 young people aged 500 to 9, talking about sexuality with their children. encourages better protection, and does not advance the age of their first time. Children who benefited from open discussions, on the other hand, are more likely to use condoms and to be honest with their parents about their sexual experiences. The sex conversation had even greater benefits when it took place before the age of 14, and when it lasted a minimum of 10 hours in total.

On the other hand, affective and sexual education will have the effect of make the child think, help him to choose, to position himself, to mature … In short, to become a free, responsible and informed adult.

Surse și informații suplimentare:

• Dare to talk about it! Knowing how to talk about love and sexuality with your children”, Maëlle Challan Belval, Éditions Interéditions