Cuprins
Healthy relationships are based on trust. But admit, sometimes you still deceive your partner or tell not the whole truth. Does lying hurt relationships?
There are times when it seems impossible to tell the truth without getting into a fight, hurting yourself, or driving yourself into a corner. Partners sometimes deceive each other: they underestimate or exaggerate something, flatter and keep silent. But are lies always harmful?
Lies in the name of good manners
Sometimes, in order to comply with the rules of communication, you have to tell half-truths. If a spouse asks, “How was your day?”, it is likely that he is not really ready to listen to complaints about colleagues and the boss. His question is a manifestation of politeness, to which both partners are accustomed. When you say, «It’s okay,» that’s just as harmless a lie. You, too, follow the unwritten rules of communication.
It would be much worse to constantly tell each other everything that comes to mind. A husband could describe to his wife how good a young secretary is, but it is wiser to keep such reasoning to yourself. Some of our thoughts may be inappropriate, unnecessary, or unpleasant. Sometimes you want to tell the truth, but we weigh the pros and cons before doing so.
Honesty or kindness?
Usually we act according to the situation and say what seems appropriate at a certain moment. You can, for example, draw the attention of a passer-by or a colleague: “Your button is undone” — or you can remain silent.
But don’t throw out frank statements like «I can’t stand the picture of your parents that you framed and gave me for my birthday.»
There are situations when it is inconvenient to tell the truth, but it is necessary, and you have to choose words, intonation and time. The same question can be answered equally honestly, but in different ways.
Question: «Why are you against my meetings with friends?»
Incorrect answer: “Because they are all idiots, and you have absolutely no control over yourself, you can drink and do something.”
Suitable answer: “I’m worried that you might drink. There are so many single men around, and you are so attractive.
Question: «Will you marry me?»
Incorrect answer: «Marriage is not for me.»
Suitable answer: «I like how our relationship is developing, but I’m not ready for such a responsibility yet.»
Q: «Do I look fat in these bright green jersey shorts?»
Incorrect answer: «You only look fat because of your fat, not because of your clothes.»
Suitable answer: «I think jeans fit you better.»
Behind the words lies the motive
There are many ways to be honest and kind at the same time. When you don’t know what to say or are afraid to tell the truth, it’s best to ask for some time to think it over.
For example, you were taken by surprise with the question “Do you love me?”. Do not deceive a person or try to transfer the conversation to another topic. When it comes to something important, it is better to be frank.
Honesty in a relationship is necessary, but not required, such as telling your partner that they smell weird when you make love.
On the other hand, think about it — what happens when you deliberately try to hide something? Are you afraid that if you tell the truth, something bad will happen? Do you want to punish someone? Can’t be delicate? Are you trying to protect yourself or your partner?
If you figure out the motives for your dishonesty, your relationship will benefit from it.
About the author: Jason Whiting is a family therapist and professor of psychology.