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Comparison with others, evaluating your own achievements with an eye to what others achieve, is a sure way to ruin your life. Psychotherapist Sharon Martin on how to get rid of this bad habit.
The comparison is often unpleasant. When I was in high school, my older sister played sports and was popular—neither of which could be said about me.
Now I understand that I also had many advantages, but then they could not compensate for my unpopularity and unsportsmanship. Every time someone compared us, I was reminded of my shortcomings in these two areas. This comparison did not affect my strengths in any way, but only emphasized my weaknesses.
We grow up in a society where it is customary to compare everyone and everything, so we learn that we ourselves are «not as good as …». We compare to see if we are better or worse. All this reinforces our fears and self-doubts.
There will always be someone who is slimmer than us, happier in marriage, more successful. We unconsciously seek out such people and, by their example, convince ourselves that we are worse than the rest. Comparison only convinces of «inferiority».
What difference does it make what others have and what they do?
So what if the neighbor can afford to change cars every year and the brother just got promoted? It has nothing to do with you. The success or failure of these people does not mean that you are inferior or superior to them.
Everyone is a unique person with their own strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes we act as if there is a limited supply of «human value» in the world and not enough for anyone. Remember that each of us is valuable.
We often compare ourselves to others on criteria that are not very important. We rely only on external signs: appearance, formal achievements and material values.
It is much more difficult to compare what is really important: kindness, generosity, perseverance, the ability to accept and not judge, honesty, respect.
How to get rid of uneasiness? Here are some ideas.
1. Comparisons hide self-doubt
For me, the easiest way is to remind myself of the uncertainty that lies behind the desire to compare. I tell myself, “You feel insecure. You evaluate yourself by comparing your «value» with someone else’s. You judge yourself by completely insignificant criteria and in the end come to the conclusion that you are not good enough. This is wrong and unfair.»
It helps me realize what I’m doing and why. Change always starts with awareness. Now I can change my way of thinking and start talking to myself differently, instead of judging, offering empathy and support to the insecure part of myself.
2. If you want to compare, compare only with yourself.
Instead of comparing yourself to a colleague or yoga instructor, try evaluating yourself now and yourself a month or a year ago. We are used to looking for evidence of our worth in the outside world, but in fact it is worth looking into ourselves.
Everyone on the internet looks happy. Remind yourself that this is just the glittering outer shell, the part of these people’s lives that they seek to show off to others. Most likely, there are many more problems in their lives than one would think by looking at their photos on Facebook (an extremist organization banned in Russia) or Instagram (an extremist organization banned in Russia).
To stop comparing ourselves to others, we need to focus on ourselves. Comparisons will not help us overcome insecurity — this is generally the wrong and cruel way to «measure your worth.» Our value does not depend on what others do or what they possess.
Despre autor: Sharon Martin este psihoterapeut.