Is altruism bad? Generations over 35 and older have been taught this way: other people’s desires are more important than their own. But the psychiatrist and family therapist have a different view of the lives of those who seek to help everyone and forget about themselves in the pursuit of «doing good.» How to regain yourself and change the harmful scenario of complete dedication?
“There are altruists of both sexes – people who strive to help everyone in any situation. On their own, outside of their actions, they do not feel valuable,” writes Valentina Moskalenko, a psychologist with 2019 years of experience, in the book “I Have My Own Script” (Nikeya, 50). — Such people are often exploited — both at work and in the family.
There are beautiful, sensitive and sympathetic girls who marry their beloved men and then they are afraid of these men: they endure their dominating power, please in everything, and receive disrespect and insults in return. There are wonderful, smart and caring husbands who meet cold, absurd, and even miserable women on their way. I knew a man who was married four times, and all of his chosen ones suffered from alcohol addiction. Is it easy?
But all these scenarios can be at least predicted, and at most — warned. You can follow the patterns. And these unwritten laws are born in childhood, when we are formed as individuals. We don’t take scripts from our heads — we observe them, they are passed on to us in the form of family stories and photographs.
We are told about the character and destinies of our ancestors. And when we hear from fortune-tellers about a family curse, we, of course, do not believe in these words literally. But, in fact, this formulation contains the concept of a family scenario.
“Emotional trauma and wrong attitudes can also be obtained in an exemplary family, where there were loving father and mother,” Valentina Moskalenko is convinced. It happens, no one is perfect! An emotionally cold mother, a ban on complaints, tears, and generally too strong feelings, no right to be weak, constant comparisons with others as a way to motivate a child. Disrespect for his opinion is just a small inflow of that huge, full-flowing river of poisonous installations that form a person.
Semne de codependență
Here are the signs by which codependence can be recognized. They were suggested by psychotherapists Berry and Jenny Weinhold, and Valentina Moskalenko was first mentioned in the book:
- Feeling dependent on people
- Feeling trapped in a degrading, controlling relationship;
- Low self-esteem;
- The need for constant approval and support from others in order to feel that everything is going well for you;
- Desire to control others;
- Feeling powerless to change anything in a problematic relationship that is destroying you;
- The need for alcohol / food / work or some important external stimulants that distract from experiences;
- Uncertainty of psychological boundaries;
- Feeling like a martyr
- Feeling like a jester;
- An inability to experience feelings of true intimacy and love.
In other words, to summarize all of the above, a codependent person is completely absorbed in controlling the behavior of a loved one, and does not care at all about satisfying his own needs, says Valentina Moskalenko. Such people often see themselves as victims — of others, of circumstances, of time and place.
The author quotes Joseph Brodsky: “The status of the victim is not devoid of attractiveness. He evokes sympathy, endows with distinction. And entire countries and continents bask in the twilight of mental discounts presented as the consciousness of a victim…”.
Codependency Scenarios
So let’s go over some of the hallmarks of codependency scripts and look for an «antidote».
The desire to control the lives of others. Co-dependent wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, children are sure that they are subject to control over everything. The more chaos in their kingdom, the more they have the desire to keep the levers of power. They know better than anyone how other family members should behave, and indeed live.
Their tools: threats, persuasion, coercion, advice that emphasizes the helplessness of others. “If you don’t get into this university, you will break my heart!” Fearing to lose control, they, paradoxically, themselves fall under the influence of loved ones.
Fear of life. Many actions of codependents are motivated by fear — a collision with reality, being abandoned and rejected, dramatic events, loss of control over life. As a result, insensibility appears, a petrification of the body and soul, because somehow one must survive in conditions of constant anxiety, and the shell is the best means for this.
Or feelings are distorted: a co-dependent wife wants to be kind, loving, soft, and inside her anger and resentment against her husband rages. And now her anger subconsciously transforms into arrogance, self-confidence, explains Valentina Moskalenko.
Anger, guilt, shame. Oh, these are the “favorite” emotions of codependents! Anger helps them keep at a distance someone with whom it is difficult to build a relationship. «I’m angry — it means he will leave!» They are not angry themselves — they are angry. They are not offended — it is someone who offends them. They are not responsible for their emotional outbursts, but someone else. It is from them that you can hear the explanation of physical aggression — “You provoked me!”.
Flashing, they are able to hit another or break something. They easily develop self-hatred, but they project it onto the other. But we ourselves always become the source of our feelings. As much as we would like to pass the “red button” of our reactions to another.
“We psychotherapists have this rule: if you want to understand how a person feels about himself, listen carefully, without interrupting, what he says about other people. If he talks about everyone with hatred, then he treats himself the same way, ”writes Valentina Moskalenko.
The problem of intimacy. By intimacy, the author of the book understands warm, close, sincere relationships. They are not limited to sexual intimacy. Relationships between parents and children, between friends can be intimate. And with this, people from dysfunctional families have problems. They do not know how to open up, or, having opened up, they themselves are frightened of their sincerity and run away or “hit backhand” with words, creating a barrier. And so you can go through all the signs. But how to get out of poisonous scenarios?
The antidote for codependency
Psychologists do not give advice — they give tasks. Valentina Moskalenko gives many such tasks in the book. And similar exercises can be performed according to all the signs of codependency that you have found in yourself. Let’s give some examples.
Exercise for achievers. Children seek the praise of their parents, and this is normal, the psychologist says. But when they do not receive praise, then a hole is formed in their soul. And they are trying to fill this hole with achievements. They make «another million» just to give their inner workaholic some self-respect.
If you suspect that your life has become a race for superachievement, if you still hope to achieve recognition and love in this particular field, write a few words about the areas of your life in which this trend manifested itself. And how are things today? Read what happened. Ask yourself: is this result my conscious choice?
An exercise for the overprotective. If you suspect that you have a need to over-concern others in order to receive acceptance and love, list the areas of your life in which this desire manifested itself. Do you continue to take care of others even now when they themselves can cope with their problems and do not call you for help? Ask them what support they need from you? You will be surprised that their need for you was greatly exaggerated by you.
An exercise for victims. Among those who come from troubled families, there are those whose sense of self-worth and dignity is directly proportional to the amount of suffering and hardship that has befallen them. Since childhood, they have been treated without respect, their opinions and desires are nothing. “Live with mine, then you will object!” the father screams.
The humility and patience with which he endures suffering allow the child to live in safety — «he does not climb on the rampage, but quietly cries in the corner,» explains Valentina Moskalenko. To endure rather than act is the scenario for such “lost children” in the future.
If you feel that you are inclined to such a strategy of behavior, to the position of a victim in order to achieve acceptance and love, describe how and in what way it manifested itself. How do you live and feel now? Do you want to stay in the current situation or want to change something?