Each of us has felt lonely at least once in our lives. However, for many people, the escape from this condition becomes feverish and desperate. Why are we so afraid of loneliness and what does the relationship with the mother have to do with it, says psychiatrist Vadim Musnikov.
Remember, have you ever met overly sociable, almost to the point of obsession, people? In fact, this behavior often turns out to be one of the many disguised manifestations of deep inner loneliness.
In modern psychiatry there is the concept of autophobia — a pathological fear of loneliness. This is a really complex feeling, and its causes are numerous and multifaceted. Summarizing, we can say that deep loneliness is a consequence of unsatisfactory relationships in the early stages of human development. Simply put, violations of the relationship between the mother and the baby.
The ability to be alone, that is, not to feel empty when you are alone, is evidence of emotional and mental maturity. Everyone knows that a newborn baby needs care, protection and love. But not every woman is capable, as the British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott wrote, of being «a good enough mother.» Not perfect, not missing, and not cold, but «good enough.»
An infant with an immature psyche needs reliable support from an adult — a mother or a person who performs her functions. With any external or internal threat, the child can turn to the mother object and feel «whole» again.
Transitional objects recreate the image of a comforting mother and help achieve the necessary degree of independence.
Over time, the degree of dependence on the mother decreases and attempts to independently interact with reality begin. At such moments, so-called transitional objects appear in the mental structure of the child, with the help of which he receives consolation and comfort without the participation of the mother.
Transitional objects can be inanimate but meaningful objects, such as toys or a blanket, that the child uses in the process of emotional separation from the primary object of love during stress or falling asleep.
These objects recreate the image of a comforting mother, give the illusion of comfort and help achieve the necessary degree of independence. Therefore, they are very important for developing the ability to be alone. Gradually, it becomes stronger in the psyche of the child and is built into his personality, as a result, a genuine ability to adequately feel alone with himself arises.
So one of the possible causes of the pathological fear of loneliness is an insufficiently sensitive mother, who is not able to fully immerse herself in caring for the baby or who has not been able to start the process of moving away from him at the right time.
If the mother weans the child before it is ready to satisfy its needs on its own, the child withdraws into social isolation and substitute fantasies. At the same time, the roots of the fear of loneliness begin to form. Such a child does not have the ability to console and calm himself on his own.
They fear the very closeness they seek.
In adult life, these people face serious problems when trying to build relationships. They develop an intense need for physical closeness, «merging» with another person, for the desire to be hugged, fed, caressed. If the need is not satisfied, then rage arises.
At the same time, they are afraid of the very closeness to which they aspire. Relationships become unrealistic, too intense, authoritarian, chaotic, and intimidating. Such individuals with exceptional sensitivity catch external rejection, which plunges them into even deeper despair. Some authors believe that the deepest feeling of loneliness is a direct sign of psychosis.