Cuprins
When a person close to us finds herself in a difficult situation: one of those who is dear to him leaves his life, he is going through a serious illness or a divorce — we are suddenly faced with how difficult it is to find the right words. We want to console, but often make it worse. What can not be said to a person who is ill?
Often in such situations, we get lost and repeat what dozens of other people will say to a person without us: “I sympathize,” “it’s bitter to hear this.” Look at the comments in social networks under those posts where the author wants to support. Most of them, no doubt, are written from the heart, but they repeat each other and, as a result, sound like a broken record.
Phrases that will not help a suffering person, and sometimes can even aggravate his condition
1. «I know how you feel»
Let’s be honest, we can’t know. Even if we think that we had almost the same experience, everyone lives their story in their own way.
Before us there may be a person with other psychological characteristics, outlook on life and the ability to withstand stress, and a similar situation is perceived differently by him
Of course, you can share your experience, but you should not identify your experiences with what your friend is experiencing now. Otherwise, it sounds like an imposition of one’s own feelings and emotions and an occasion to talk about oneself once again.
2. “It was meant to be, and you just have to accept it”
After such “consolation”, a question arises in a person: “Why exactly do I have to go through this hell?” It can help if you know for sure that your friend is a believer and your words are consistent with his picture of the world. Otherwise, they can aggravate the internal state of a person, who, perhaps, at this moment feels a complete loss of life’s meanings.
3. «If you need something, call me»
A common phrase that we repeat with the best of intentions. However, the interlocutor reads it as a kind of barrier that you set up to stay away from his grief. Think about whether a deeply suffering person will call you with some special request? If he has not previously been inclined to seek help, the probability of this tends to zero.
Rather, offer to do something that a friend needs. The state of grief is psychologically exhausting and often barely leaves strength for ordinary household chores. Visit a friend, offer to cook something, buy something, walk the dog. Such assistance will not be formal and will help more than a polite but distant offer to call you.
4. «This too shall pass»
A good consolation while watching a boring long-running TV show, but not at the moment when you are being torn apart by difficult experiences. Such a phrase for someone who is in pain completely devalues his feelings. And although this statement in itself is largely true, it is important for a person not to rush himself, to live a state of grief and come to an understanding of these words himself, at the moment when he is ready for them.
Compliance with all these rules increases the chances of helping a loved one
However, the worst thing you can do is say nothing at all. People who have experienced grief admit that the unexpected silence of loved ones turned out to be an additional test for them. Most likely, one of those who pulled away deeply sympathized, they just could not find the right words. However, it is precisely in difficult and bitter moments of life that our words are the main support. Be considerate of those who are dear to you.
About the author: Andrea Bonior is a clinical psychologist specializing in addiction treatment and a book author.