Cuprins
Have you ever had the feeling that something is wrong in your relationship with your partner, but you can’t say exactly what it is? Signs of trouble are not always obvious — unless, of course, we are talking about treason or physical violence. Psychoanalyst Harriet Pappenheim on five signs a relationship is not worth keeping.
I’m a couples therapist and I’ve seen a lot of problems in relationships. Of course, partners can change, and psychotherapy can help them. But sometimes there is no hope for change. Here are five signs that serious problems are brewing in a relationship that will not go away on their own.
1. Different life values
There is nothing wrong with the dissimilarity of partners: different personality types often complement each other. We can learn something new from a person with a different outlook on life. But there are exceptions: if partners do not share each other’s key life values, this is a bad sign.
Do you know your core values, can you list them? Try to answer the following questions: How important is your job to you? Do you want children? Are you religious? How long do you value creativity or hard work? The life values of partners never coincide 100 percent, but if they are fundamentally different and no one is ready to compromise, conflicts will arise on this basis.
2. Failure to apologize
The ability to love includes the ability to accept the shortcomings of a loved one, and everyone has them. But that doesn’t mean partners shouldn’t apologize. Saying “sorry”, we show that we are not always right, we demonstrate that we are ready to resolve conflicts in a civilized way.
Of course, many find it difficult to suppress their pride and force themselves to apologize. Over time, this can turn into a problem: others begin to accumulate resentment against someone who does not know how to ask for forgiveness.
An adult understands his shortcomings, recognizes them and works to eliminate them. If this cannot be said about your partner, this is cause for concern. This may mean that he or she either does not know how to solve problems that arise or does not respect you. Both are a reason to think about the future of relationships.
3. History of failed relationships
If a partner has always had problems maintaining successful relationships of any kind (love, family, friendships) — this is an alarming sign.
4. Lipsa de încredere
Complete trust does not arise immediately, but over time it becomes the most important link between them. If you continue to be wary of your loved one, consider why. Perhaps you feel that he is hiding something from you, or you don’t know much about him, but he is not ready to tell. If your partner does not trust or tell the whole truth about yourself, or you do not feel ready to trust him or her, this is a red flag.
5. Violence, attempts at control, possessiveness
Violence can manifest itself in different forms. It can include any attempts to tightly control a partner, for example, when he:
- wants you to communicate less with friends and relatives,
- does not respect your personal boundaries,
- requires you to quit your job, studies, hobbies,
- accuses you of being unfaithful or wants to always know where you are,
- takes your money or gets into debt on your credit card,
- constantly criticizes you or says that no one needs you anymore.
This is a reason to end the relationship immediately.
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Unhealthy attitudes towards each other can manifest themselves in many forms and often lead to the breakdown of relationships. But in many cases, a person can change, so it is best to identify potential problems as early as possible and openly discuss with a partner.
Tell me what’s bothering you. Try to do without hypotheses and assumptions: list what words and actions you consider inappropriate, explain how they make you feel, and listen carefully to the answer. If you cannot find a compromise, it may be worth contacting a psychotherapist, he can help solve problems and save the relationship.