In the era of dating apps, instant messengers and message read receipts, we are increasingly faced with confusion in understanding each other. To break up or put a relationship on pause, you no longer need to slam the door or “leave for the village, to your aunt, into the wilderness, to Saratov.” Just ignore the message. What dangerous trends in relationships have appeared now?
In the days of beautiful knights and ladies of the heart waiting for them, such a thing was hardly possible. The distances were long, they lived a little, and there was no time to exchange for strange games in communications. Now the world has moved along with all its feelings and thoughts to smartphones and computers, and long distances have collapsed to one click. And you don’t have to ride a horse for a month to confess your love to a beautiful princess, who will also ask you three riddles, and it’s good if you stay alive.
Today, relationships flare up in an instant and also disappear in an instant, sometimes in a very strange way. There were even special names for such incomprehensible tricks in communication. Coach, personal and couples consultant from Hamburg, author of several books on relationships and emotional addiction, Eric Hermann explains what the essence of new trends is and how to behave in such situations.
Ghosting
One of the partners suddenly stops communicating without explaining anything to the other. Disappears like a ghost. Ignores any attempts to talk and find out the reasons. Messages in WhatsApp can be marked as read, but there will be no response. Even if you were dating and everything seemed to be going well. This can happen even when your relationship has already begun to move towards a permanent attachment. After all, you spent a lot of time together. And therefore, for someone who has undergone a ghost, such a disappearance can become not only painful, but also traumatic.
“What have I done wrong? What am I guilty of? The list of questions to ask yourself is endless. The one who chose to become a ghost is cowardly, Eric Hermann is sure, otherwise he would have directly said that he does not like it, or that he found another or another, or explained that he is now having a difficult period and he needs to sort himself out. Any intelligible explanation would be a solution to the problem. But he is not capable of it. His strategy is to run away. Where its roots come from, let his personal psychotherapist figure it out.
Cum sa reactionezi? You must remember that you are not to blame for anything. Don’t speculate what “serious obstacles” prevented him from finding a way to contact you. When we need to, we go through walls. But he or she didn’t. The “guest” has some of its own psychological processes and internal conflicts. Do not waste time and energy on a ghost, wait for an answer from him. Try to recover as soon as possible after an unpleasant incident. Better focus on those who are seriously interested in you and for whom you are not just another phone number in your contact list.
Mosting
This is the Jesuit form of ghosting. When a partner first elevates the other, showers with attention, generous compliments, declarations of love almost from the first date. This, by the way, should alert you – after all, you understand that serious feelings take time. And in one or two days they definitely will not arise. But you missed the compliments and adoration so much!
And now, when you are emotionally fully involved in the relationship and are already almost one hundred percent sure that you have met the love of your life, you get a blow in the stomach and acute pain. Your “beloved” suddenly seems to turn a switch. He disappears from the radar, calls and messages are ignored, meetings are canceled or skipped.
Cum sa reactionezi? The danger of this type of toxic relationship is that once you are at the epicenter, you can lose faith in successful acquaintances and the sincerity of your partner for a long time. And you will feel the catch in all the compliments. Keep in mind that not every man or woman behaves this way. In fact, these people make up a fairly small part of the world’s population. What’s important when getting to know each other is to quickly recognize and avoid these characters. And the first signal is too abundant and inadequate flow of compliments, and even more so talk about marriage, big plans for the future and great love for life. See? The red light is already on!
Hyping
It is very similar to ghosting and bridge. But its difference is that in such a relationship you are a consolation prize, a way station. The partner also showers you with a stream of oil and compliments, builds grandiose joint plans. And this is a conscious manipulation, not a sincere momentary impulse. He is flattered that you peck at his bait, thank you enthusiastically. But he knows that your enthusiasm is just dope for him. So he raises his self-esteem.
This is often the behavior of narcissistic individuals. They love not you, but your love for themselves. And the faster they kindle it, the more exciting and interesting it is for them. Having tasted the pleasure of victory, they, like the first two cases, leave you, declaring that they are not ready for a serious relationship. And six months later, they announce an imminent wedding on social networks – but, of course, not with you. You have already fulfilled your role for him – helped his ego to inflate to a new record size.
Cum sa reactionezi? The most disgusting thing about this form of relationship is that the one who suffered is left with the feeling that he was used. Actually, the way it is, no matter how sad it is to admit. But there is an antidote at the start of dating. Do they tell you a lot and promise you? We all sometimes fall into childhood, and we want to believe in fairy tales, especially on a wave of euphoria.
Eric Hermann recommends “reality testing” more often – checking words with actions, at least, as a maximum – including critical thinking. Ask the question: how will you do it, how will my life be arranged then? Often, when the conversation comes to details and specific actions, the “storyteller” cannot answer anything intelligible, except for “I will take you to the edge of the Universe and give you stars.” But I would like to look at the starship and find out the fare. And also listen to your intuition – it often gives signals, but you don’t want to believe them!
Orbitand
Ghosters and mosters, surprisingly, may return. They can “change their mind”, decide that they got excited. But it will again be a “gypsy with an exit.” They will suddenly like your post or photo. Sometimes it will be a very old photo. And you will be surprised: wow, he worked so hard to find it in the depths of my account. Maybe I still care about him? Or leave a short comment showing you: I’m here.
But the name speaks for itself: we are kept in orbit. We do not fly like a comet past this strange character. He keeps us at such a distance that we are under his supervision and know about it. But they do not enter into direct contact – in messages, by phone, and even more so in a personal meeting.
Cum sa reactionezi? You don’t understand what’s going on. You are completely at a loss: if we broke up without explanation and I did not suit him, why does he make himself felt? The simplest and surest thing you can do is ban the “orbiter” in all social networks, platforms, blacklist his phone number. So that he does not have access to your profile anywhere. Only in this way will he understand that you are free from him. But if you find yourself on the threshold again, be strong and never forget how he treated you, the coach recommends. No one deserves such treatment.
Бенчинг (Benching)
Your partner keeps you on the bench. He sends you messages from time to time, he can invite you for a cup of coffee. And it seems that you see his interest, he is charming, courteous, by all indications – he likes you, but you can’t wait for the next step.
Sometimes such communication never leaves the virtual space into the real one. They can correspond with you for weeks, and quite frankly, but they will never offer to meet. Your partner is not sure that you are the best thing he has met in his life. It is necessary to keep you close, but also not to “get stuck” seriously – suddenly someone ideal will meet.
Cum sa reactionezi? Nobody likes to cook on low heat. You don’t understand what’s the matter. How long longer to wait? Openness, honesty, real intimacy, not fantasies about it – that’s what we expect from a relationship. A contact that does not give this is an empty flower. Are you ready to talk openly about the fact that you do not want to sit on the bench?
Caspering
This is a light format hosting. Your partner disappears into space. But he does it gently, gradually, without a sharp amputation of our soul. The name comes from the cute cartoon ghost Casper. You met, spent time together, said pleasant nonsense to each other. It seemed that they were very close, and deep down you dreamed of a joint future. Only nothing happened.
But unlike ghosting, caspering involves an explanation. “Listen, I had a good time, but there is no spark, I’m sorry.” Or “Thanks for the good time, you are very nice, beautiful, but I just don’t have big feelings, you know? I’m sorry”. Sometimes the future ghost gradually reduces communication to nothing, without explaining anything. What to explain? And so everything is clear.
Cum sa reactionezi? This way of ending the relationship will cause a residue and some pain. But, you see, it is less painful than in cases of ghosting or bridge. Thanks for at least explaining. Pay attention at the beginning of a relationship to any signals of intuition: does he promise a lot, but does little? Or you feel that there really is no spark, messages have become dry and rare, but you stubbornly convince yourself that this is temporary and everything will be fine – then you should not drag out such relationships and build illusions.
Бредкрампинг (Breadcrumbing)
Literally, it means “feeding bread crumbs.” For online dating, a fairly common phenomenon. This is a contact filled with false expectations. Here, unlike benching, there is a place for real interest and flirting. But the goals are completely different than in a healthy relationship, where flirting is just a bridge for a further date.
Typical breadcrumbs are short comments under Instagram photos, spontaneous text messages like “Just thought of you,” or multiple likes and emojis that get re-posted over and over again. And this can go on for weeks or months. So? Nothing. Often such methods are resorted to by those who want to feed their ego at your expense, but you will never get enough of its breadcrumbs.
Often, such “breadwinners” are already in relationships in real life, they are not satisfied with them, but they don’t want to change anything or don’t dare. In the safe environment of a smartphone, they increase their self-esteem, amuse male or female pride, seeing that they have received a portion of interest in their address.
Cum sa reactionezi? End these relationships – nothing will come of them. Why would you work as a power plant for the benefit of another without getting anything in return? Yes, and let’s think in reality: nothing was expected in return, this was originally a one-sided game.
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