„Iubește-l pentru cine este”: o mare amăgire?

imagine perfectă

He loves her, she loves him. He accepts her for who she is — with this bewitching look, cellulite and tantrums during PMS. She accepts him for who he is — with a kind smile, beer fumes in the morning and socks scattered around the apartment. Well, why not idyll?

The problem is that this is not just an ideal (and therefore opposite to reality) picture of relationships. It’s the perfect picture… of the parent-child relationship. And if it would be right for mom or dad to accept their children with all their characteristics, then wishing this from a partner, if you think about it, is even strange. As strange as expecting a husband or wife to live up to our expectations.

Alas. It is hardly possible to count how many relationships did not work out or brought disappointment and pain to their participants due to the fact that someone was waiting for unconditional acceptance from the other.

parent role

So, total acceptance, love without any conditions — this is what, ideally, every child has the right. Mom and dad were waiting for him, he was born — and now they are happy for him. And they love him, despite the whole range of difficulties that those who raise children face.

But the child is dependent on the parents. They are responsible for his safety, development, physical and psychological health. The mission of parents is to educate and raise. Mom’s and dad’s unconditional acceptance helps the child feel loved and significant. He gets the message that being yourself is okay, feeling different emotions is natural, being worthy of respect and being treated well is right.

But, in addition, parents must teach him to follow the rules of society, study, work, negotiate with people, and so on. And this is important precisely because in the future we build with others not child-parent, but other relationships — friendly, neighborly, collegial, sexual, and so on. And they are all related to something. All of them, including the romantic connection, represent a kind of “social contract”.

Game not by the rules

What happens if you and your partner start a game of «unconditional acceptance»? One of you will be in the role of a parent. According to the terms of the «game», he should not show discontent because of the actions or words of another. And this means that he is deprived of the right to defend his boundaries if the partner violates them, because this game does not imply criticism.

Imagine: you are sleeping, and your partner is playing a «shooter» on the computer — with all the sound effects, loudly shouting something in excitement. Ah, this is his need — so let off steam! Take it as it is, even if you have to work in the morning, and it is unrealistic to fall asleep. Or your wife spent all the money on your card for a new fur coat while your car needs repairs.

In both cases, the story of “unconditional acceptance” turns into discomfort for one, and permissiveness for the other. And then these relationships will become more and more like co-dependent. That is unhealthy. What is a “healthy” relationship then?

«Everyone has the right to be himself, and here the desire to be accepted is completely natural»

Anna Sokolova, psychologist, associate professor, National Research University Higher School of Economics

In short, a healthy relationship is a couple’s openness to dialogue. The ability of partners to clearly express their desires, to listen and hear the needs of the other, to help in their satisfaction, to respect each other’s boundaries. These are two equal adult positions, when everyone takes responsibility for their actions and how they affect a partner.

With regard to acceptance, it is important to distinguish it on two levels. At the level of personality, the very essence of a person — and at the level of specific actions. In the first case, it is really important to accept the partner as he is. This means not trying to change his character, way of life, values ​​and desires.

Everyone has the right to be themselves, and here the desire to be accepted is completely natural. For example, your husband likes to relax by playing shooting games, but you think that this is not the best form of relaxation. However, this is his right and his choice how to relax. And this choice must be respected. As long as it doesn’t interfere with your sleep, of course. And then, at the level of specific actions, this is not at all something that should always be accepted.

If your partner’s actions violate your boundaries or make you feel uncomfortable, you need to talk about this and agree on it. This happens in healthy relationships, where open and adequate communication is built.

For example, when there is a conflict of interest, it is important not to attack the personality of the other: “You are an egoist, you only think about yourself,” but to talk about the specific impact of his actions on you: “When you play “shooters” with sound, I don’t I can sleep.» And how would you like to solve this question: «Come on, you will put on headphones during the game.»

But what to do if you find it difficult to accept a partner as a person? It is appropriate to ask yourself a few questions here. If I don’t like a lot about him as a person, then why do I stay with him? And is it possible that those features that repel me in him are actually difficult for me to accept in myself? How do some of his qualities affect me? Maybe it’s worth talking about the moments that are uncomfortable for me and trying to solve everything at the level of specific actions?

In general, there is something to think about and talk with each other before making radical decisions or blaming a partner for all mortal sins.

***

Perhaps it’s time to remember the famous «prayer» of the founder of Gestalt therapy, Fritz Perls: «I am I, and you are YOU. I do my thing and you do your thing. I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations. And you are not in this world to match mine. You are you and I am me. And if we happen to find each other, that’s great. And if not, it can’t be helped.»