Why do men and women sometimes not hear each other? The confusion of modern men is partly due to the inconsistency of female behavior, says sexologist Irina Panyukova. And she knows how to change it.
Psihologii: Men who come to see you will probably talk about their difficulties with women.
Irina Panyukova: I’ll give you an example right away. I had a European at my reception. His wife, a Russian, confessed to him that she had a lover. The husband replied: “It hurts me, but I love you and want to be with you. I think you should resolve this situation yourself.» She was indignant: «You should have slapped me, and then go and kill him.» And when he objected that he had another concern, it was necessary to collect the children in the first grade, she said: “You are not a man!” He believes that he behaves like an adult and responsible man. But his views do not coincide with those of his wife.
Is the problem in different male models?
I.P.: Yes, there are different forms of manifestation of masculinity. In the traditional model, it is clear what men do, what women do, what are the rituals of interaction, written and unwritten rules. The modern model of masculinity does not require a demonstration of physical strength, it allows the manifestation of emotions. But how will the behavior that is natural for one model be perceived by the bearer of another? For example, the lack of rigidity can be mistaken for weakness. Men suffer because women are disappointed in them. At the same time, I see that men are more oriented towards reality, and among women there is a myth that a man himself should guess about their desires.
Partners who are together because they like each other do not compete, but cooperate
It seems that women often do not ask for help themselves, and then reproach men. Why is that?
I.P.: If I ask for help and they help me, a moral aspect appears — the need for gratitude. If there was no request, then it seems that it is not necessary to thank. Some women feel that asking them is humiliating. Some people just don’t know how to be grateful. And in couples, I often observe that women start repairs, construction, mortgages, without asking a man if he wants to participate in this, and then they are offended: he does not help! But openly asking for help would mean for them to admit their failure.
Have gender relations become more competitive than they used to be?
I.P.: Relationships in business and in the professional sphere have become more competitive due to the fear of losing a job. And partners who are together because they like each other do not compete, but cooperate. But this is possible if their goal is to be together, and not another — to leave their parents, for example. Although society, of course, affects the couple. I hope that in a global sense, we are now moving from competition to cooperation. In general, conflicts with the opposite sex are a manifestation of developmental delay. Between the ages of 7 and 12, antagonism between the sexes manifests itself: boys hit girls on the head with a briefcase. This is how gender separation occurs. And adult conflicts are a sign of regression. This is an attempt to solve the situation in a pre-adolescent way.
What could women change in their behavior to improve relationships with men?
I.P.: Cultivate your femininity: take care of yourself, understand your needs, do not overwork, take time to rest. To see in their care for a man not submission and slavery, but confirmation that they have chosen a companion worthy of care. And not to “work on relationships”, not to make the couple another place of work, but to live these relationships together as an emotional resource. The orchestra sounds good when every musician knows his part and the violinist doesn’t rip the trombone out of the hands of the trombonist to show how to play correctly.