Perhaps you have been in therapy or otherwise working through your traumas and struggles for a long time and feel like you have changed. But then something painful happens, and you seem to be thrown back — the old behavior, thoughts and feelings return. Don’t worry, it’s normal.
We cannot leave the past behind once and for all. From time to time it will remind us of itself, and perhaps not always in a pleasant way. How to react and what to do when you are carried back to old traumas?
You have studied childhood grievances, you know your triggers, you have learned to reformulate negative thoughts. You understand how past experiences affect today’s behavior, thoughts and feelings, regularly participate in psychological training and take care of yourself. In other words, you are far enough along your therapeutic path to overcome past difficulties.
You began to feel better about yourself and are proud that you finally understand yourself. And suddenly something unpleasant happens and unsettles again. You worry about how you look, worry that you can’t explain how you feel. Your thoughts are in disarray. Little things get out of themselves.
Sometimes the past comes back
You have worked so hard to overcome childhood trauma. You diligently studied breathing techniques and applied them in difficult situations. But now you are face to face with a person who has long been forgotten. You look at yourself in the mirror and your reflection says, «I’m still not good enough.» What happened?
It is difficult to change beliefs about yourself and raise self-esteem. This can take months or even years. But you will not get rid of the past forever that has shaped you as a person. And sometimes memories come back and you relive long-forgotten emotions.
A funeral can remind you of a loved one who has passed away. The smell of cut grass is about the childhood you miss. The song brings back painful memories of violence or trauma. A relationship that has ended can bring to the surface a deep-seated sense of abandonment. A new colleague or friend can make you doubt yourself.
You get frustrated, anxious, slipping into depression. You suddenly find yourself reverting to old behavioral patterns, thoughts and feelings that you have worked through and left behind. And again you feel that you are losing yourself in the present.
Accept the real you
What to do when the past reminds of itself? Accept that healing is a process with ups and downs. When you feel like you’re panicking, anxious, and unable to cope with the tormenting emotions again, stop and analyze what caused it and how you are reacting to the situation. What do you feel? How does your body respond? Maybe you have a twisted stomach or nausea. Has this happened to you before? If yes, then when?
Remind yourself that painful feelings and thoughts will pass. Recall how you worked with them in therapy. Explore how the past affects you now. Do you feel the same as before? Are these experiences similar? Do you feel bad, unworthy of love? What past experiences lead to these thoughts? How is what is happening now amplifying them?
Remember what self-support skills you now have: rethinking negative thoughts, deep breathing, accepting painful feelings, exercising.
You cannot leave the past behind forever, no matter How long you want to. It will visit you from time to time. Greet him with the words: “Hello, old friend. I know who you are. I know how you feel. And I can help.»
Acceptance of yourself, past and present, with all its flaws, is the key to the never-ending process of healing. Accept yourself now. And accept who you once were.
Despre autor: Denise Oleski este psihoterapeut.