Ar trebui un copil să înmoaie loviturile destinului?

How should parents react to difficult situations faced by a child? To a clear injustice towards him, to sad and, all the more, tragic circumstances? For example, a child was accused of something that he did not commit. Or he got a bad grade for a job he put a lot of effort into. I accidentally broke my mother’s precious vase. Or faced with the death of a beloved pet … Most often, the first impulse of adults is to intercede, come to the rescue, reassure, help out …

But is it always necessary to soften the «blows of fate» for the child? Psychologist Michael Anderson and pediatrician Tim Johanson, in The Meaning of Parenting, insist that in many cases, parents should not rush to help, but should let the child go through a difficult moment — if, of course, he is healthy and safe. Only in this way will he be able to understand that he is able to cope with the discomfort himself, come up with a solution and act in accordance with it.

Is parental non-involvement in difficult situations really the best way to prepare children for adulthood?

Intervene or step aside?

“I know many parents who adhere to such a tough position: troubles, difficulties are a school of life for a child,” says child psychologist Galiya Nigmetzhanova. — Even a very small child of three years old, from whom all the molds in the sandbox were taken away, dad can say: “Why are you drooling here? Go and return yourself.»

Maybe he can handle the situation. But he will feel alone in the face of difficulty. These children grow up to be very anxious people, overly concerned about their own achievements and failures.

Most children need adult participation, but the question is how it will be. Most often, you just need to emotionally go through a difficult situation together — sometimes even the silent co-presence of one of the parents or grandparents is enough.

The child needs not so much effective help from adults as their understanding of what is happening to him. But those, as a rule, are trying to intervene, mitigate or correct a difficult situation in different ways.

1. Trying to comfort the child: «Did you break a vase? Nonsense. We’ll buy another one. The dishes are for that, to fight. “They didn’t invite you to visit — but we will arrange such a birthday party that your offender will be envious, we won’t call him.”

2. Actively intervene. Adults often rush to help without even asking the opinion of the child — they rush to deal with the offenders and their parents, run to school to sort things out with the teacher, or rather buy a new pet.

3. Accepted to teach: “If I were you, I would do this”, “Usually people do this”. “I told you, I told you, and you …” They become a mentor, indicating how he can continue to behave.

“All these measures are useless if the parents did not take the first, most important step — they did not understand what the child feels, and did not give him the opportunity to live these feelings,” commented Galiya Nigmetzhanova. — Whatever experiences the child experiences in connection with the situation — bitterness, annoyance, resentment, irritation — they show the depth, significance of what happened. They are the ones who report how this situation actually affected our relationships with other people. That is why it is so important that the child lives them to the fullest.”

The active actions of adults, their assessments, edifications, notations interrupt the work of the child’s experience. As well as their attempts to brush aside, soften the blow. Phrases like “nonsense, never mind” devalue the significance of the event: “Did the tree you planted wither? Do not be sad, do you want me to drive to the market and buy three more seedlings, will we plant right away?

This reaction of an adult tells the child that his feelings do not correspond to the situation, they should not be taken seriously. And this puts a barrier in the way of his personal growth.

Ia o pauză

The best thing parents can do is to join in the child’s emotions. This does not mean to approve of what happened. Nothing prevents an adult from saying: “I don’t like what you did. But I do not reject you, I see that you are sad. Do you want us to mourn together? Or is it better to leave you alone?

This pause will allow you to understand what you can do for the child — and whether you need to do anything at all. And only then can you explain: “What happened is really unpleasant, painful, insulting. But everyone has troubles and bitter mistakes. You can’t insure against them. But you can understand the situation and decide how and where to move on.”

This is the task of parents — not to interfere, but not to withdraw. Let the child live what he feels, and then help him look at the situation from the side, figure it out and find some solution. The question cannot be left open if you want the child to «grow» above himself.

Luați în considerare câteva exemple.

Situation 1. A child of 6-7 years old was not invited to a birthday party

Parents often feel hurt personally: “Why didn’t my child make the guest list?” In addition, they are so upset by the suffering of the child that they rush to quickly deal with the situation themselves. This way they seem to be the most effective.

De fapt: this unpleasant event reveals the difficulties in the child’s relationships with other people, informs about his special status among peers.

Ce să fac? Understand what is the true reason for the “forgetfulness” of a classmate. To do this, you can talk with teachers, with the parents of other children, but most importantly — with the child himself. Calmly ask him: “What do you think, why did Misha not want to invite you? What way do you see? What can be done in this situation right now and what needs to be done for this?”

As a result, the child not only gets to know himself better — understands, for example, that sometimes he is greedy, calls names, or is too closed — but also learns to correct his mistakes, to act.

Situation 2. A pet has died

Parents often try to distract the child, console, cheer. Or they run to the market to buy a new puppy or kitten. They are not ready to endure his grief and therefore want to avoid their own experiences.

De fapt: perhaps this cat or hamster was a real friend for the child, closer than his real friends. It was warm and fun with him, he was always there. And each of us grieves over the loss of what is valuable to him.

Ce să fac? Give the child time to throw out his grief, go through it with him. Ask what he could do now. Wait for his answer and only then add: he can often think about his pet, about good moments in a relationship. One way or another, the child will have to accept the fact that something in life ends and losses are inevitable.

Situation 3. A class event was canceled due to the fault of a classmate

The child feels unfairly punished, offended. And if you do not analyze the situation together, it may come to unconstructive conclusions. He will assume that the one who canceled the event is a bad person, he needs to take revenge. That teachers are harmful and evil.

Ce să fac? “I would ask the child what exactly upsets him, what he expected from this event and whether it is possible to get this good in some other way,” says Galiya Nigmetzhanova. “It is important that he learns some rules that cannot be bypassed.”

The school is arranged in such a way that the subject is a class, and not a separate personality of the child. And in the class one for all and all for one. Discuss with the child what he personally could do, how to state his position to someone who harms the class and violates discipline? What are the ways? What solutions are possible?

handle yourself

In what situations is it still worth leaving a child with grief alone? “Here, a lot depends on his individual characteristics and how well you know him,” comments Galiya Nigmetzhanova. — Your child will cope with one difficult situation, but not with another.

The ability to «see» this is the art of being a parent. But leaving a child alone with a problem, adults must be sure that nothing threatens his life and health and that his emotional state is quite stable.”

But what if the child himself asks his parents to solve the problem or conflict for him?

“Don’t rush to help right away,” the expert recommends. “Let him first do everything he is capable of today. And the task of parents is to notice and evaluate this independent step. Such close attention of adults — with actual non-participation — and allows the child to grow above himself further.