Cuprins
Do you talk to children about topics related to sex and sexuality? And if so, what and how to say? Every parent thinks about this. What do children want to hear from us? Narrated by educator Jane Kilborg.
Communication with children on the topics of sex and sexuality has always been difficult for parents, and today it is especially so, educators Diana Levin and Jane Kilborg (USA) write in the book Sexy But Not Yet Adults. After all, modern children from an early age are influenced by pop culture, saturated with erotica. And parents often doubt whether they can oppose something to this.
The most important thing we can do for our children is to be with them. A study of 12 teens found that a teen’s likelihood of engaging in risky behavior is drastically reduced if he or she has a close relationship with at least one adult at home or at school.
But how to establish such a relationship? It makes sense to find out what the children themselves think about this.
When Jane Kilborg’s daughter Claudia turned 20, she published an article for parents on how to help teens through this difficult time in their lives.
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Anyone who says that adolescence is the best time of life simply forgot what it was like at that age. At this time, a lot, even too much, happens «for the first time», and this means not only the joy of novelty, but also serious stress. Parents should be aware from the very beginning that sex and sexuality will, one way or another, enter the lives of their children. This does not mean that teenagers will have sexual intercourse with someone, but it does mean that sex issues will occupy them more and more.
If you can prove to your children that you went through trials similar to their own, this can radically change the way they treat you.
When I was a teenager, I read my mother’s diaries, which she kept at the age of 14, and I really liked them. Your kids may act like they don’t care about your life at all. If you can prove to them that you too have gone through trials or situations similar to their own, this can fundamentally change the way they treat you. Tell them about your first kiss and how worried and embarrassed you were in this and other similar situations.
No matter how funny or ridiculous such stories are, they help a teenager to realize that you, too, were once at his age, that some things that seemed humiliating to you then only cause a smile today …
Before you take any extreme measures to keep teens from acting recklessly, talk to them. They are your main source of information, they are the ones who can explain to you what it means to be a teenager in the modern world.
How to discuss sex
- Do not take an attacking position. Even if you just got our condoms in your son’s closet, don’t attack. The only thing you will get in return is a sharp rebuff. Most likely, you will hear that you should not stick your nose into his closet and that you do not respect his personal space. Instead, try to calmly talk to him (her), to find out if he (she) knows everything about safe sex. Try not to make this doomsday, but just let your child know that you are ready to help if he needs something.
- Sometimes it’s worth listening to your children and not really getting into their souls. If a teenager feels “back to the wall”, he will not make contact and will not tell you anything. In such cases, adolescents usually withdraw into themselves or indulge in all serious. Let your child know that you are always ready to listen to him, but do not pressure him.
- Try to choose a light and casual intonation of the conversation.. Don’t turn the conversation about sex into a special event or a serious nerd. This approach will help your child realize that you are quite calm about his (her) growing up and becoming. As a result, the child will only trust you more.
Let your child know that you are always ready to listen to him, but do not push
- Control the actions of children, but preferably from a distance. If guests came to the teenager, then one of the adults should be at home, but this does not mean at all that you should sit with them in the living room.
- Ask teenagers about their lives. Teenagers like to talk about themselves, about their sympathies, about girlfriends and friends, about different experiences. And why do you think they are always discussing something on the phone or sitting in chat rooms for hours? If you constantly keep your finger on the pulse, instead of asking them an on-duty and faceless question like “How is school today?”, Then they will feel that you are really interested in their life, and they will trust you more.
- Remember that you were once a teenager too. Do not try to control every step of your children, this will only make your relationship stronger. And one more thing: do not forget to rejoice together!
For more details, see the book: D. Levin, J. Kilborn «Sexy, but not yet adults» (Lomonosov, 2010).